Often times when I'm visiting friends in a college town, I get sent a drink. This night, it was a tequila shot. So with my first drink of the evening, my friends and I decide to start the boozing, and with this much boozing, there must be a PNR. To 'Puke and Rally' is to consume so much alcohol that you get to the point of vomiting ... but instead of having a friend pick your head up out of the toilet and drive you home, your night continues! This is where Rally comes in. Back to the bar, soldier!
Something should be said here about the art of the puke 'n rally. So many so-called professional drinkers I've come across in this, the premier drinking hamlet of the United States, have had nothing but disparaging things to say about the importance of PNR to a productive night of drinking. These people I put in the same catagory as those who profess their undying love and passion for American Idol. You smile, you nod, you pick up your drink and move as far away from that disgusting piece of offal as possible, lest you catch their dehabilitating mental disease. In any case. the merits of the PNR are many if you are staring down the barrel of a long night of cocktail waitresses giving you the fish eye and nameless shots from strangers that taste like pineapple juice gone round the bend.
Need training? Do like I do and you will have your friends, lovers, and subordinates referring to you in private as the Incredible Sponge while you saunter through a Puke 'N Rally (PNR). Here's how:
1. Know your body - This is the all important first step in pulling off a successful PNR. When your mouth suddenly becomes Niagra Falls, you should be on the move and ready to do the dirty with the john.
2. Know your tolerance - PNR is NOT a recreational activity. For every three people who denounce PNR, there is one sick bastard who abuses the procedure at every opportunity. PNR is not an excuse to be a sanctimonious, nasty American pig. It is a night-out technique and requires respect for the necessity of it's actions. Much like using the u-turns in the median on the highway. You're not supposed to, but when you need it, you're glad it's there. And if you do it right, you won't even get caught.
3. Know your escape routes - Also essential is knowing where to go when a PNR maneuver is imminent. Every new bar you enter should be immediately scoped for the location and layout of their bathrooms and back doors. Being familiar with the facilities ensures that you can put in work and be back to your table before your drunken friends even know you've left. (Coming back with a pitcher also helps.) My homebase bar is a second story that has a back door leading out onto a balcony in a back alley. I know the owners well, so I'm allowed my activity. Also, barflies thinking they can snag themselves a nice free parking space find when they take a taxi back in the morning to their vehicle that they did, indeed, pay for their spot. And if at all possible, choose secluded outdoor spots over indoor facilities, especially at house parties and gatherings. No muss, no fuss.
4. Don't fight it - It's going to happen. It happens to the best, the worst, and the rest of us. So stop being a pussy and embrace it. You're embarrassed? Get the heck out of here, that's like being embarrased that you ate something and now you have to make a deuce. So go with it. Let your body do the work, don't force it or you'll have a mess on your hands.
5. Stay frosty and no one will know - I don't immediately go puke when I drink something. In fact, if I feel it coming, I try to see if I can ride it out. Most times I can. Sometimes I can't. If you must speak to someone, tell them you'll be right back. Don't lie, they will see right through it. And you are, after all coming right back, or you will have half-assed your PNR. Do your thing when no one is present if you can hold it off a few seconds longer while the bathroom clears out. You wipe your mouth, pop a mint, crack your knuckles, affix a casual lounge lizard smile, and stroll back in. Shrug off inquiries by telling the truth immediately and ordering another drink. They will not question you or haggle you. Because if you're cool with it, then why the hell would they make a big stink about it?
6. Wait...order another drink? - Hell, yes. This is actually the one step that most intermediate PNR soldiers skip and therefore find themselves unable to execute the rally portion of the manuever. You need another drink for a variety of reasons:
- The mint is a short term solution. You need something with staying power. Usually a Captain-and-Coke does the trick to mask all but the most violent bowel movements.
- You still have chunks in your mouth. Yes, you do. Be careful. The inaugural mouth washing can lead to some nasty discoveries and a quick showing of Return Of The Puke Fairy.
- This will ease your friends into a mode of passiveness. If you grabbed another drink, then you are fine. Sure I horfed. Who says I'm cashed in for the night? In 45 seconds flat, no one remembers that you left your spot for anything other than a drink and everyone is talking about the frickin' shame that was the NBA Finals again while you silently recover.
One other thing of note: DRINK SLOW, GREEDY FUCKER. I see people screw this one up all the time. You just puked. You're slightly dehydrated. And now you're pounding unmitigated booze into a freshly emptied stomach. I'm going to tell you right now, there's someone across the bar eyeing you, you're going to wake up next to them tomorrow morning and their name is Bitch Ohva Hangover-Hernandez.
Follow these simple rules and you too can make like you're drinking for six as if it truly ain't no thang.