I apologize for my absence in the last few weeks. I know that being without constant updates regarding my thoughts on politics and zombies
must have left you with a profound sense of loss lo these many days, but I must humbly beg your forgiveness; for you see, I have fallen in love
As I am sure many of you know, the voyage of my romantic life has been rocky at best. Often I despaired that I would find no true soulmate
on this earth, no sibling soul to inflame my lust for life, to bless my comings and my goings,
to greet me each day with a smile. But now that I have found my sweet Margaret, my heart rejoices.
Though we've only been together a short time, I cannot imagine my life without her - and she's said that she will marry me
. I'm sure this comes as quite a shock to all of you, but please, read this whole notice of mine before passing judgment upon me.
Our match is, to be sure, an odd one, but I am determined to make my case to all of you in the hopes that you'll approve of our union. She's English
, and a bit older than me. She went to college at Oxford
(!) studying chemistry
, but eventually got a law degree
and decided to go into politics. Though she's been out of Parliament
lately, she served on the Conservative
side of the government. I know, I know, liberal ol' Martian_Bob falling for a Conservative woman, it's enough to make your head swim... She is also divorced
. She has two children from her previous marriage, twins named Mark and Carrol. They are absolutely delightful, their smiles would brighten even the most melancholy of days.
Our romance has been idyllic
, though not without moments of strife. It seems that the paparazzi
have followed my future bride from Britain. Because of her past political positions, they're determined to cast our pure union as some kind of scandal. "Boy toy" they've named me, mocking our nights out as "shameful" and our nights in as "trysts". Still, we are unfazed; the Soviets
did not name my lovely Margaret "the Iron Lady" idly. She has stood firm against their advances in public, ordering them off embassy property, though in private I hold her as she shakes, sobbing with rage.
My friends, I beg your approval. I hope my descriptions of this profoundly passionate woman have convinced you that our love will stand through a thousand generations as the greatest love story
of our time. If you'd like to more about her, she has a website devoted to her; you can access it at www.margaretthatcher.org. In the meantime, we are making preparations to cement our loving bond this August, in my home town of Chanhassen. We shall be married in the Church of Eckankar
, and Margaret has told me that Prince
himself has agreed to sing at the ceremony. Our processional shall be the song that first brought us together, "Talk Dirty To Me" by 80s glam metal group Poison
. The wedding colors will be puce
, Margaret's bridesmaids will be my sisters and prominent ex-girlfriends, and Tony Blair
has agreed to give the bride away, as her parents have passed on. ClockworkGrue
, my long time friend and confidant will be my best man, and Richard M. Stallman
along with all three Iron Chef
s Japanese (including Masaharu Morimoto) will be my groomsmen.
Invitations will be in the mail soon; until then, I wish you all a wonderful day and a happy April 1st.