I’m not sure what’s worse, rejection and condescension or the fact that it happens all too frequently in our lives.
Ergo, I have decided to cry lots and then see how I feel after that. I mean that’s got to help right? Ever stopped to consider the choice you just made? Why did you make it? Was the decision really yours or were you influenced by another?
I’m a heartbeat away from saying ‘fuck it’ wait, is my heart actually beating? I ask because I can’t feel anything but the blind panic associated with indecision. Of course you already know this about me, what you don’t know is how I came to be on the road to hades, one fucked up decision at a time like a twisted yellow brick road, broken, uneven and covered with the vomit of those poor bastards who went before you.
Imagine your decisions are like clay added to a sculpture, you have all these ideas, you start off with something that actually looks pretty good! You pat yourself on the back, pleased with the agility of your fingers, your fertile imagination, your obvious talent. Not satisfied you continue to add clay, still not quite satisfied your creation grows, fed by your pathetic need to excel until the result is an unrecognisable lump, equal in talent and structure to your daughters first kindergarten pencil holder.
Once you’ve screwed up all your most important decisions, the ones with the power to shape your life forever, what’s left? And where’s the incentive to ever make another decision? Your ‘precious’ life caught in an eternal loop. Like a song, stuck on a record player. You keep listening but you still can’t quite catch those last few words stopping you from knowing the whole song, perfection unrealised, unfulfilled and unrealistic.
I could sit here for an extremely long time trying to find a clever way to end this self-absorbed little rant-fest but in the immortal words of someone who still has all his decisions intact and sparkling in the sunshine, “Meh!” Who can be bothered?!