Fifth Day After Starting Work:


Last night I went to the doctor. I told him everything, we talked for an hour and a half and I wept for every minute of it. He diagnosed me with clinical depression, prescribed me Paxil, and booked a meeting with a psychiatrist. I've never been so scared in my life.

I'm not going to work anymore now. The doctor recommended 4 - 6 weeks off. That seemed a bit excessive at first, but now I don't know... I only talked to my office manager about it, and she seemed to understand, but it's a really crappy thing to do, show up at a job, find out they need you, and four days later take a month off.

Sigh... I just hope my treatment will help me out of this dumb hole.

I've been reading the literature that the doctor gave me. It's kinda scary too. Some of the rare side effects of Paxil are pretty nasty, and I'm already feeling some of the common ones, tremors, dizziness and nausea. The thing is, the literature also explains that depression is a biological and not a mental disease. Clinical depression is not someone just feeling bad for a while. It's also not necessarily caused by real world troubles, they just tend to help it become consuming. It's actually something that happens chemically inside of their brain, and that's why the pills are necessarily.

Paxil is a type of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, or SSRI. It's kinda the same thing as prozac, but it has less nasty side effects. The drug stops serotonin (a chemical linked to mood, and found in the brain) from being too quickly absorbed back into the brain cells after it's produced. This means that more of the chemical stays in my brain, and I don't always feel like a piece of shit. The thing is, the drug takes up to two weeks to start working, so right now, I don't just feel really because of the depression, but also because of the pill's side effects. Not cool.

My next step is to start talking to a counselor. I'm really afraid of that, but I'm not sure why. I know anything I tell them will be kept in strict confidence, but it's the idea that gets to me... For some reason, I find it easier to tell people something over the Internet than to tell it to one person I don't know.