Fourth day back at work:

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I've quit school. It was too much for me, and now I'm starting to think that work isn't that much better. Lately I've been incredibly down. Usually I can preoccupy myself and try to forget about it, but it always comes back when I think about things. I've never felt like before now. It hurts.

I can't find anyone. I feel so alone, so helpless. Everyone else around me has someone that they can lean on, someone to help them make sense of the world, and I don't. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm not alone, but that doesn't help. I don't feel complete.

I'm going to the doctor today. I have no idea what he's going to say, but everyone has been telling me to see him. I don't know... It scares me to think that he might want to put me on drugs, but it would scare me even more if he wanted to send me to a counselor. I don't know what I want to happen. Some of my friends take pills. Little blue ones.

I don't know why I'm so afraid right now. Doctors don't usually scare me so much. I think it might be that I may have to tell him stuff. I'd like to keep that sort of information from as many people as I can while I live here. It's a really scary place where I live.

I'm also under quite a bit of stress lately. Quitting school was almost as hard on me as staying in, but at least it ended quicker. I've also got a credit debt to pay back, and my work won't pay me for another three weeks. I think I can get by, but I might not have any money to spend for Christmas. I've also got to help get some other people get money...

Has anyone else here had to cope with this? I was so depressed yesterday that I couldn't even think. It scared me. How can you deal with this sort of thing when it seems that you're never going to find someone? When it seems that no one will ever love you back?

I hope I can get out of this. I hope I can find someone someday. I hope I won't always be afraid.