Dysfunctional Family Dialogue
Right before our
Thanksgiving dinner of Stouffer's frozen
lasagna and
ready-made pecan pie (and nothing else), the conversation went a little something like this:
My Crazy Grandma: "They give us our baths on Saturday."
Yuppie Sister-in-Law: "So you're rolling up on day 5 then? Good to know."
(4
children screetching at full volume and running through the hallway)
Crazy Grandma: "You know this spot, this spot here on my face? . . . I pulled this thing off a couple days ago that looked like--"
Yuppie SIL: "Well I'm going to go see if the food's ready now. (grumbles) There goes my fucking appetite."
Yuppie brother: "When the
fuck are we going to eat?"
(overhear Dad and Mom
shouting at each other in the kitchen, as per usual)
Other SIL: "NO! QUIT RUNNING! GRANDMA'S OPENING THE OVEN SO STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN!"
(all four
children run to the kitchen to watch their grandma open the oven)
Child #2: "I hate lasagna! I'm not eating nothing!" (begins
wailing)
Child #1: "Why you cry all the time, baby?"
Yuppie SIL: "YOU WILL EAT YOUR LASAGNA OR WE WILL
THROW ALL YOUR
CHRISTMAS PRESENTS AWAY!"
Yuppie brother: "Nothing says Thanksgiving like stouffer's frozen lasagna. Oh, and
paper plates too, you've spared no expense.
Mom: "IF YOU WANT TO COOK DINNER YOURSELF AND WASH ALL THE DISHES YOU'RE WELCOME TO IT!"
Yuppie SIL (speaking to me): "Am I in your way?"
Me: "No, I'm just standing here till grandma picks her spot before I pick my spot."
Yuppie SIL: "What, you don't want to listen to her talk about their bathing schedule at the
home?"
Me: "Not this year. If I sit down first she'll sit by me like she does every year."
(Child #4
bawling at full volume because his mother isn't in his
line of sight)
(Child #3 in highchair
throws lasagna onto floor)
Child #2: "I no sit by you, I no like you anymore."
Child #1: "I no like you either."
(Child #2 wailing)
Yuppie SIL: "STOP WHINING AND EAT OR YOU'RE
NOT GETTING ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS!"
Dad: "Mother, where do you want to sit? Mother? Mother? SIT DOWN!"
Other brother (singing): "It's the most wonderful time of the year . . ."