Dysfunctional Family Dialogue
Right before our Thanksgiving
dinner of Stouffer's frozen lasagna
and ready-made pecan pie
(and nothing else), the conversation went a little something like this:
My Crazy Grandma
: "They give us our baths on Saturday."
"So you're rolling up on day 5 then? Good to know."
screetching at full volume and running through the hallway)
"You know this spot, this spot here on my face? . . . I pulled this thing off a couple days ago that looked like--"
: "Well I'm going to go see if the food's ready now. (grumbles) There goes my fucking appetite."
"When the fuck
are we going to eat?"
(overhear Dad and Mom shouting
at each other in the kitchen, as per usual)
"NO! QUIT RUNNING! GRANDMA'S OPENING THE OVEN SO STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN!"
(all four children
run to the kitchen to watch their grandma open the oven)
"I hate lasagna! I'm not eating nothing!" (begins wailing
"Why you cry all the time, baby?"
"YOU WILL EAT YOUR LASAGNA OR WE WILL THROW
ALL YOUR CHRISTMAS
"Nothing says Thanksgiving like stouffer's frozen lasagna. Oh, and paper plates
too, you've spared no expense.
"IF YOU WANT TO COOK DINNER YOURSELF AND WASH ALL THE DISHES YOU'RE WELCOME TO IT!"
(speaking to me): "Am I in your way?"
"No, I'm just standing here till grandma picks her spot before I pick my spot."
: "What, you don't want to listen to her talk about their bathing schedule at the home
: "Not this year. If I sit down first she'll sit by me like she does every year."
(Child #4 bawling
at full volume because his mother isn't in his line of sight
(Child #3 in highchair throws
lasagna onto floor)
: "I no sit by you, I no like you anymore."
: "I no like you either."
(Child #2 wailing)
: "STOP WHINING AND EAT OR YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANYTHING
: "Mother, where do you want to sit? Mother? Mother? SIT DOWN!"
(singing): "It's the most wonderful time of the year . . ."