I received a birthday card from the lesser of crazy grandmas, who resides in a nursing home. Her birthday letters are always so cheerful. For example, my ninth birthday letter contained the opening line: "Things are so bad here on the farm, even the pigs are on Tagamet." This card, as expected, was cheerful as hell, and I post it here, unabridged, with additional line breaks because it's fucking poetry:

"I don't have much to write.
I am very unhappy here.
They have put
an alzheimer's patient in here
with me and she
never flushes the toilet.
Turns off her lights doesn't
know what things are hers.
She is always
looking through my things
and moving them.

She was a nice lady at one time
but can't remember anything now!!
She is always telling me
the same nonsense
while I want to watch TV or read!
I have to keep opening doors so I can breathe
and they have put up signs
to keep doors open
but a lot of good

Yep. That's my grandma. She rocks the mike like a vandal. And waxes chumps like a candle. Word to your mother.