EXT. DARK GROUNDS --
NIGHT
Foreboding organ music
is heard....
We are looking down at a
rough brick floor ... is it an alley? A cobblestone street? A warehouse? A factory?
We the audience cannot be sure. The flickering glow of a
passing searchlight is the only illumination. We can see a tall wire
fence surrounding the grounds. Atop the fence, coils of barbed wire encircle
the entire stage.
The ominous organ music
continues as --
SUDDENLY --
A shrill bugle blows -- ENORMOUSLY LOUD --
blood-chilling and spine-shattering.
The tune at least seems
familiar.
It is Reveille!
As the lights slowly
come up, dozens and dozens of soldiers shamble onto the stage. Their clothes are
dusty, old, torn, blood-soaked. They all appear to be dead, but that doesn't
stop them from singing directly to the audience:
SOLDIERS (one at a time,
as they fall in line):
Attend the tale of Gomer
Pyle,
His short-bus grin
stretched out for a mile.
He always gets on
Sarge-Carter's last nerve.
But he does it with
charm and with verve.
Does Gomer
Does Gomer P.
The dumbest Marine you'll ever see.
He comes from the town
of Mayberry,
He worked a gas station,
just Goober and he,
They call him a rube, a
fool, and a chump,
He and his pen-pal Forrest Gump,
There in the town of
Mayberry,
With Gomer P.
That's Gomer Pyle, USMC.
The SOLDIERS begin to duck and cower.
Raise your rifle high, Gomer!
Point it to the skies!
Else you just might slip
and
Shoot out your eye!
The SOLDIERS run amok on the stage, trying to take cover as loud automatic gunfire erupts all around them.
SOLDIERS: (variously)
Oh, shit, he's on guard
duty again!
I thought we removed the firing pin!
What dumbass opened the armory
And gave him a gun? --
was it you?
Not me!
Perhaps one day we'll
live to see
His return to Mayberry
As for now, we all
should flee
From Gomer Pyle, USMC!
The SOLDIERS move to the front of the stage and sing directly to the audience:
Gomer's coming, why
don't you run?
He's armed to the teeth – do you think that's fun?
Hugging the stock, feeding
the ammo,
Cartridges fly as he
says "Uh-oh!"
God only knows where
next he'll be,
Behind the desk at the DMV?
No one can help, nothing
can hide you--
Isn't that Gomer there
beside you?
Gomer's in the world,
dear me!
Isn't that him bagging
your groceries?
It's Gomer!
There he is, it's Gomer!
Holy Shit! Gomer!
SOLDIERS (Pointing frantically at the audience):
Surprise! Surprise!
Surprise! Surprise!
Surprise! Surprise!
Surprise!
(Almost screaming now):
Surprise!
They move away ...
Revealing:
GOMER. A bandanna around his head. Shirtless. Well-muscled and chest-scarred. Brandishing an M-60:
GOMER:
Attend the tale of Gomer
Pyle!
His short-bus grin
stretched out for a mile!
He took all your shit
And now it's payback!
What’s old Sarge-Carter think about
that?
Taste the wrath of Gomer!
Of Gomer P.!
THAT'S GOMER PYLE, USMC!
GOMER sprays the stage. The soldiers
fall into bloody heaps. Laughing, Gomer points the gun upward and continues
firing, laughing as he screams:
GO-OOOOOOOOOOOLY, MOTHERFUCKERS!
The ceiling crashes down, killing
him.
Blackout.
THE END.
This parody of "The Ballad of Sweeney Todd" is brought to you by Lucy-S and Braunbeck for the Silly Songs Quest.