Thirty minutes ago, Augusta called, asking for another Ask the American. I obliged, and since half the questions come from last night's Chatbox this one is dedicated to E2. Enjoy it (and no, its not getting a seperate node because the last one got me flamed and deleted. I don't mind it, but i'm not dumb enough to try it again. (Quick background: I write this for Tharunka, UNSW's school paper. The questions are, technically, those asked by Australians to an American.

Ask the American 9

This week?s questions come from a huge amount of sources (mostly because I've put off writing this for so long). Thanks to my Creative Writing teacher, other students, and the friendly folks at Everything2.com. I should note that some sessions at the Sydney Writer's Festival were extended 'Ask the American' type deals, with Harvey Pekar, DBC Pierre, and David Sedaris being more cynical then I ever could.

You're from Connecticut? Isn't that where the Babysitter's Club is from?

Yes, but we knew them as the 'Four Dollar Whores'. They used to turn tricks in front of the Pequot Library to save up for the rare books they consumed in large quantities. (No, not read. Literally consumed. Why they ate books is bound up in why I spent all my paper route money on them, but the tale of that magical summer is for another time)

Why are there so many jokes about Connecticut?

What do you get when you put rich people, poor people, P. T. Barnum's ghost, and a serious inferiority complex right next to New York? You get a nice change from jokes about New Jersey (though I can't recall any of these jokes you refer to, I?m sure they were quite funny. Maybe I couldn't hear them over the Dave Matthew's Band bursting out of my Hummer's speakers).

What's the Ivy League?

If you have to ask, you?re not getting in. Ever. (You don't want to? beneath the ivy covered walls lurk ivory towers of evil, powered by the still-beating hearts of Community College freshmen)

What's Miami like?

She's very nice. The mole under her left eye makes her look like Cindy Crawford, but her stuttering makes up for it. She's not yours to have, though, and if you try hitting on my sister one more time you're going to get the butt end of Bessie (my 12 gauge) up your butt.

Why are Alaska and Hawaii in America, but Canada isn't?

Many Alaskans used to be Russians, so to piss them off we make them walk through Canada to go to the General Store and Vodka Repository in the rest of the states. As the Frenchies take pot shots at them they curse the moment they decided to join our godforsaken country. As for Hawaii? Its an active volcano, and does not conceal Donald Rumsfeld's secret fortress. so stop asking.

What's with the school lunches program?

Its fortified with special nanobots that feed off the protective layer of blubber generated by American youths. The 'bots hibernate in the bones until the age of puberty, when they feed off the stored heat and energy to change Yanks into the morphing blubberballs you know and love. (Thanks to Chris from the FPL for the idea)

How much does it weight?

More then you can handle.

Is Michael Moore an idiot or a genius?

He's a genius for realizing that the Left will support any idiot who agrees with them.

Do you wish you were James Joyce?

Dead, Irish, and drunk? No, no, and yes.

Who was the greatest American novelist of the twentieth century? Me