I've been out for a while, due to a move to Marouba and getting shot in the head during Unknown Armies. To tide you over i'm posting the latest installment of my column, Ask the American. If it is liked, I'll put it in another node, answer questions from E2 users, and post my earlier columns. If not, then you need to realize its all in jest.. mostly.

Ask the American

What the fuck is up with America?

I have two brothers, and the youngest one is ten years younger then me. He feels threatened by all the older people in the house, so he screams and laughts alot, plays with toy fighter jets, and basically makes a bunch of trouble. He dosen't mean any harm-- he's just trying to make some space for himself. He acts like he's wise, though, and like he knows what's going on-- always bossing us (his sibs) around in a funny “adult” voice.

He's a lot like America that way. Its young and silly and messed up, but it thinks its got important things to say and can boss everybody around. In America's case, though, its parents felt sorry for it and gave it some military power with which to play. And then my tidy analogy turns into that episode of the Twilight Zone with Bill Mumy, where all the adults do whatever the little kid wants because he has horrible powers and nobody wants to be turned into a Jack in the Box or sent into the cornfield.

Why do Americans sound the way they do?

Er... do you fail to realize exactly how BIG America is? “Americans” don't even sound like Americans-- we sound like Long Islanders, New Yorkers, Texans, Georgians, and eveyrthing in between. Trust me, a Southern accent sounds just as odd to me as it does to you. Thinking we all sound the same is as dumb as thinking a Sydneysider sounds like Paul Hogan.

Does America have 50 or 52 states?

Neither. There's Confusion, Derision, Missuria, the South, New York, Walla Walla, Puerto Rico, Australia, the New Hebredies, Istanbul, Cheasapeke Bay, Minnasota, Florida, and East Carolina... that, with the 24 i don't know, makes 38 states.

When will democracy be reinstated in the USA?

No citizen of a country that lets the Green Party gain actual power has the right to tell me anything about democracy.

Do you think you're better then the U.N.?

I'm a single individual who can make important decisions without the need for beurcratic waffling, pancaking, and general French Toasting that the UN goes through for everything so yes, I am better then the UN. Also, my proclamations carry about the same weight.

Do Americans love Krispy Kreme?

Ehhhhh.... would “an intense combination of lust, religious devotion, and wholesale gluttony” be defined as love? Probably. Speaking in all seriousness, Krispy Kreme donuts are the greatest things on Earth. My cynicism fails me as I sing their praises, and I can only hope my unbridled devotion causes them to send Tharunka (or me personally) a free box).

What is the LA hockey team called?

The Mighty Ducks. Disney created a real team after the movie. Unfortuantly, they weren't based on the short-lived cartoon series, and so they lack the ability to shoot rocket propelled pucks from their gloves at alien invaders.

As a member of a nation that spent 40 years involved in a Cold War with Russia, do you consider it a personal failure that certain manipulative Russian women are alive?

No. I consider it a personal failure that my good looks and inappropriate comments have failed to win over the bodies of certain manipulative Russian women and their giant, armored vodka bears. Were I to suceed, benefits would no doubt outweight the costs of failure. And while I fail, I fail nobly, knowing I face an enemy which bested Napolean, confounded Chekov, and held Reagen at bay for 40 years. So no, I do not regret my grevious errors which lead to the loss of the Cold War. Rather, I welcome our new female Russian overlords, and hope I can serve them well in any footstool/doormat related position.