I've been a member of this E2 community for two years now, I quietly celebrated my anniversary Septemebr 24th.

It has been a struggle to bring calm to strangers, my friends and myself. Eating and sleeping at times has been difficult, I've dropped below goal weight but I have a ten pound allowance before the docs step in. Sometimes in the middle of the night I wake up and feel a COLDNESS in my spine; slow goose bumps creep across my skin as realization about the World Trade Center and terrorism sets in.

I had hoped my children, the younger people who had missed the last war would never have to experience a war in their lifetime. But I am so proud to have heard of the democracy in action displayed by the brave people on United Airlines Flight 93. It was a time for them to rely upon the faith that God called them to demonstrate. As the story is told we now know that a group on that plane decided it was time for action even if it meant their own lives. These people called from the plane. They called wives and families and said, I love you, but now I must do what is a greater good. One man could only get through to the telephone operator, but he made her promise to get the message to his wife. Then he asked the operator to say the Lord's Prayer with him and went forward to confront the evil which had taken over the plane. It cost him his life, but I will never know how many he saved by his courageous action. This man's faith in God enabled him to go beyond his fears and be source of good by overcoming evil.

Frauds are taking advantage of this terrible event! Hang up calls for the last two weeks, telemarketers calling my home and saying they want donations for the fire/police department. The worm knows my first name and I've told him I gave to the Red Cross, I live on a fixed income, don't call here again or give my phone number out to anyone else. Five or six times a day he calls so I called the sheriff department and filed a report and I have my playground whistle out to blow in his ear if he calls back. The first day I forgot to tell hubby of my plan of action so when he called from work I had decided to wait until whoever was calling to say hello first then Let Them Have It! After a rather long wait my hubby says,
I can hear you breathing Lo what's taking you so long to say hello? (no I didn't blow the whistle in his ear;)

Grandma once told me when I was nine or so that she hoped she didn't live past eighty. Well me and my little girl self were heartbroken at her wishes but now I see more clearly through her eyes. She had raised seven daughters two sons, and one adopted cousin through the Great Depression. Sent one son off to fight in World War II and the other, Vietnam just so I could raise and cherish my sons in a relatively peaceful time. Oh I think she would be saddened to see all of this.

Last night I dreamed about an old imaginary friend, one I hadn't dreamed about in a long time. He is a jet black wrought iron dog, I took out the key hidden in the bushes under the window sill and dropped a pin down through Cinder's metal nose locking it under his chin so he wouldn't bark while I was away. Long ago when The Dark Man in the Closet didn't appear at night Cinder would be in my dreams to bark warnings so I could crawl inside of him and feel safe there. No one could hurt me through his iron bars. Old memories and new fears.

A bright spot appeared yesterday, hope that my sons will grow up in spite of all this I'm happy to report. Wandering out into the kitchen for a glass of milk before bed and Number Two Son is watching Who wants to Marry a Prince?.

This is just like 'Who wants to Marry a Millionaire,' he explains rolling his eyes a little.

Why are you watching such a vapidly pretentious show? I agree. ('vapidly pretentious' is family phrase that's been going around the house the past few weeks)

They have hot ladies! he expounds.

I paused going down the hall back to my room. Mom is startled about his newfound interest in the female gender. I watch his eyebrows go around his forehead in confusion. Like a puppy he's fifteen and hasn't grown into his big white socked feet yet...two little hops to his left, he obfuscates for me.

Old women ....old old.

I went to bed and pulled the lavender and yellow sheets up under my chin thinking about how it's okay to have hopes, but not expectations and broke into giggles for the first time in a long time!

Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel, "My way is hid from the LORD, and my right is disregarded by my God"? Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary, his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.
~Isaiah 40: 27-31 (NRSV)