I have this other girl in my life who scampers around and does the silliest things like hangs my sons jeans in my closet. I put them on yesterday and showed them to my husband who said Turn around. They were humongous!! Over my shoulder I asked him if they were his? The only answer I got was the glad eye so I dropped them around my ankles to enhance the view. (Aha! This must be what they mean when they say life begins at forty.) But Number One Son with impeccable timing pulled up in the driveway so I had to hop and wiggle my way out of the living room while hubby provided cover.

This girl inhabits the spaces between my thoughts and the only way I know she's been around is when I find odd jeans in my closet or become suddenly aware that I am sitting alone in the empty church parking lot early on a Saturday morning.....sometimes she makes me cry and at other times I get so angry! She is the one who got to take my son to piano lessons that I don't recall.....yet she is no where to be found when I call to find out about Life Insurance for myself. It's three years almost since I began recovery. I called Select Quotes for the cost of a ten year term policy for now. I can't afford Universal Life with two sons and putting them through college, we've lived here for 19 years and still have 22 years to pay on our mortgage I would like to refinance into a 15 year one with our income tax return so my husband can retire at a reasonable age.....I have given up any hopes of being able to work. Who would want me after what I went through with this insurance guy.....

Age? Non Smoker? yes yes to all that.
Do you work ? No, I'm on disability.
oh.... How long have you been out of work? I work at home but I haven't been able to work outside the home in about 5 years
oh...... Do you want to go on? yes
Where you hospitalized? Yes, twice
Do you take any medications? Yes, I take Clonazepam for seizures.
hmmm let me read this to you.....it's used for clonic seizures, atonic seizures, temporal epilepsy, panic disorders, bi polar disorder Should I go on? yes
You know we will ask for the doctor's report. Are you sure you want to go on? yes please.
Why? I would like a quote please.
He gave me a quote that was three times the cost of the original one in the mail and more than 10% of my income.

This is rapidly becoming a difficult holiday for me. It's very unusual for me to be so down but there you go. Impatience and feeling overwhelmed seem to be the order of the day, trying to create happy memories for the holiday; it's insurmountable. Possibilities can become such harsh expectations.

The missing memories come out of nowhere and there is no getting used to them. My son says he took piano lessons, I took him every day he says but, I have no recollection of who the teacher was, nor taking him. I am angry at this robbery of time with my children who are nearly grown. I want to get rid of her and all this havoc she creates! The real world is harsh and refuses to try and understand what the real cost is. Who else is capable of loving her the way she wants to be loved? And who else can say to her that whatever you are; whatever you become, in spite of anyone else's expectations, this is your potential and it's a wonderful thing.....if it weren't for her promises in life it would be impossible to hold her up and make goodness visible, there would be no happy discoveries of mixed up jeans in my closet, her beauty would die. Last nights journal says, I am unhappy.

Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
~Matthew 11:28 (NIV)