Day of emotional rollercoaster

a retrospective self-centrist exercises self-censorship

Morning (8:04)
I wake up. I saw some dreams but because I went to sleep 3AM or something I'm too tired to memorize them. I let them slip away and I know I'll regret it later.

For half hour I just lay down in bed which is pretty unusual for me. There are three reasons (in no specific order):

  • I'm tired
  • I'm thinking about Iwonka and her call
  • I have a moderate flu
After getting out of the bed I eat something. It tastes .. nothing.
I write a little bit down in a letter. I feel great recalling the last evening and night. Then an attack by a mood I don't want to be involved. Therefore I go downstairs and read newspapers. They don't have any point at all. Useless.

Fucked up by news I don't need to know I open up a computer and a browser. The first page is the website of Finnish national broadcasting company Yle. I want to change it and get news I'm more interested in. I surf my way to -- it's a member of global Indymedia network. But I decide just to bookmark the site instead of setting it for the first page. I don't know why I didn't have it as a bookmark yet...

I'm writing the letter again. I'd like to give Iwona a call. No, actually I'd like to be with her but given the technology level of transportation it's impossible. I'm not in a right mood to call either. Actually I hate giving phonecalls anyway. I remember when I was at highschool and I had to call my buddies or made some officials phonecalls it took several minutes to prepare myself to make a simple phonecall. I hated it from guts. I still don't like it even there's a person speaking I like. I stand up to proclaim my right to be unrational on the issue!

I cook some French fries, fish fingers, broccoli and spinach. It tastes better than it sounds but it's not a gourmet menu, I know.

In a bus towards the city centre. It takes about 30 minutes to get there and I feel apathic. I let my eyes wander around on peoples' faces. They look just as happy as I feel.

I jump off one stop after I was supposed to but it doesn't matter, I'm not in a rush. Actually I'm having an hour and half to kill but I just needed to get out of the flat.

I'm walking towards a shopping center as my sight is attracted by a poster. It says there's a public meeting in this building. "Working class today" is the topic. In reality, it seems to be arranged by stalinists of Workers' Communist Party even though they have put it under the name of cover-organisation Peoples' Front Against EU. Well, I may as well take a look and I walk in.
However, before I enter the room I can see what's going inside through the windows. As expected, there are only people who gotta be at least half of century older than me. But the poster says there's one guy from my Uni speaking too and I'm quite curious to meet him.
But the door leading to the room is closed, probably not locked, and there is an old man standing in front of it. Silent, we exchange glances and I feel like I don't want to be bothered anymore. I enter a toilet instead.

While spending a penny I start to think what I'm doing and it feels like I'm not in the control of my own behaviour. I just couldn't open my mouth to say some to the geezer at the door. But I take this as an occultic omen to leave the stalinists alone. Maybe it's better for me too because otherwise they would have been desperate to get me involved and that's on the bottom of the "things to do" list.

I'm having an expresso shot of coffee and a bun. The coffee is premium and when I drop some on my tongue I feel how my system gets going. An A-classified drug. The bun is tasteless, though, and I regret buying it. But I finish it because it was shitty expensive.

The coffee put some life in me and I'm feeling like having a cappucino in some other place. I want to leave this place because I didn't feel comfortable staring at people passing by. It was too busy here.

I decide to walk a bit and there are loads of people coming towards me on a bridge. As I'm making my way against the mainstream I'm wondering why it's so dense here.
Ahaa! It seems to be markets. Given couple of pimples in my nose the last thing to buy here would be candy which tends to be one of the best selling articles. However, this time it's different and for my great surprise there's traditional Finnish food from Savo and Pohjois-Karjala (North Karelia): kalakukko (a bread filled with vendaces) It costs only 30 marks (~5$) which is pretty cheap I think and since it's a long time since I had the last one I decide to go for it. The smart saleswoman points out that a bigger one is only 10 marks more and I admit it's gotta be even cheaper per kilo for me. So I take the big one. It makes me really happy and I cannot wait to have a taste.

A restaurant called Rosso. Lot's of people here. I ask for a cappuccino. I feel like it wasn't me who did it. A semiserious out of body experience.

A waitress approaches me giving me an eye like asking what I want but doesn't say anything. I make her a nasty statement about sluggishness of the service. She promises to get me that cappuccino. Probably this will be counted against me on the Final Judgment but I feel good articulating in a very snobbish way about the standards of customer service in the restaurant. Given my outlook (dreadlocks and worn out second hand clothing) it must have been bit of unexpected story for her. Spice of life.

Eventually I notice some progress with the cappuccino as the waitress presses the button of coffee machine. First, I wasn't angry at all for waiting because the sofa I was sitting in is very comfortable and I enjoyed myself. But six minutes after the second call -- I don't think I deserve this. Fair enough, it's obvious I'm not the most important customer in the place but there could be some decency. I'm very pissed with them and when I see the waitress taking the cappuccino from the machine and walking towards me I depart. That's what you asked for.

Yet another cafeteria. This time cappuccino comes instant and it tastes ok. I sip it and I feel my mood uplifting. The place is almost empty but I'm easy.

In the movie theatre. This was why I came to the centre in the first place: It's Late Night Shopping, a movie shot in Scotland and this is part of Love & Anarchy film festival. Surprisingly the theatre is pretty full -- all student types. It's because Love & Anarchy is bit of subculture scene. And because the movie isn't subtitled.

The movie was very funny, all credit goes to the dialogue. I'm feeling very good now and I'm heading towards a bus stop. There are plenty of people waiting for the number 30 and it arrives in no time.
I sit down humming odd words of songs. A smile keeps coming on my face and there's no need to hold it back. It's all about three things (in no specific order):
  • Coffee
  • The movie
  • A phonecall in near future
A guy opposite to me is eyeing the girl next to me. I do something I've never done before and I must acknowledge I surprise myself too when I say to the girl: "I think he likes you." nodding towards the guy. The girl gives me a smile and the boy seems bit confused, maybe he didn't hear me properly but at least enough to become thinkfull.
But I think it was enough adopting the role of Amor for me today and because neither of them seems not to react anymore I let them alone. I just keep humming and smiling away, moving my eyes and whole head around. I feel excellent, the kalakukko in my arms.

I call Iwonka after putting Red Hot Chili Peppers on and asking my brother to share the kalakukko and some coffee with me. I feel damn good hearing her voice again and especially when she's saying I didn't make cunt of myself the last night when she gave a surprising phone call when I was stoned with couple of mates downstairs watching telly, very sleepy.

Coffee tastes sinfully good. Also the kalakukko ain't bad. Given the infrequency with my coffee consumption I know I'll become over-energetic. It's okay.

I jog to a gym. I make a good exercise lasting one hour and twenty minutes. It feels damn good to get sweat out of the body after couple of days idleness due to flu.

Writing this node. When I started I was still cheerful but noding seems to be draining: I'm tired but content.
I didn't even have to use my AK. I have to say it was a good day.