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I don’t think that I am a very good [girlfriend].

He is on holiday and when I came back from work tonight the house was cleaned; the shopping done; the clothes washed. You could walk across the lounge unimpeded.

He joked that we could live off my earnings, as my salary has doubled in the last year, and I could come back to this every night. I was asked to apply for a job recently which is double my current salary, and though I wouldn’t want to apply for it yet, I wondered what it would be like to earn that much and be [profligate]. Not worry. Not wait for the next payday.

I wonder if he did want me to apply for that.

But I also wonder what I give him; sure I have amazing friends, and we go to interesting places together. He likes my friends, the [Russian] who calls him nicknames, the Spaniard who teaches us about [wine], the people who are so affectionate and tell him tales of my past. I’m pretty, and slim, and dress well. He says he never knows what I will say next and likes this. I think he likes the Euro-crat background too although, being a [socialist], he would never admit to that.

But I can be [lazy]. I collapse on the sofa when I get home, I’m disorganised around the house. When I hear men talk about the need for a [female touch], I cringe and berate myself.

I miss people too much, and am [nostalgic]. He’s not. I remind him what we did a year ago and he looks surprised. I remember more details about his friends than he does.

I like time to myself. And sometimes I’m sulky, and elusive, when there’s no need to be. I read a [John le Carré] line that said a woman lies to protect herself; perhaps I’ve taken that too much to heart, although my version would be a woman is evasive to protect herself.

And at the moment I think about other men too much. Well, one other man. It’s worked out well that way in the past, when I’ve thought someone was [attractive], as it’s made me rip his clothes off in a frenzy of [lust] (the S.O. that is). [Inspiration], if you like. But I’m too tired at the moment.