Our
intrepid double-naught spy,
Mr. Bodine, recently returned from an
undercover assignment investigating reported plans of world domination at the
Miss Manners Biological Warfare Development Center, has recovered some fairly damning
G2. Consistent with
Judith Martin's
megalomaniacal and insidious, "wheels within wheels"
modus operandi, she has once again given us just enough rope with which to hang ourselves.
Fortunately, my own operative ( the
perpetually unflappable Number 007 Ox ), has returned with the
prophylactic completion that will significantly reduce (or rather, transform) our degree of exposure.
The following material is classifed and may only be viewed by those bearing
Umber Hulk clearance.
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User: BoatGoatMoat
Password: ***
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Mr. Bodine is hot on the trail of the solution. His extension of the basic process is correct, as far as it goes, yet incomplete. He correctly notes the unwanted
juxtapostion of
nasty bacteria and the delicate
mucous membranes of our beloved
genitalia. However, how are we to deal with the dreaded splashback? The solution is at once
simple,
sublime and
delightful. The post-
urination handwashing should be immediately followed with a
genitalia washing and then yet
another handwashing. The cleanliness of both hands and genitalia is thereby insured.
The more
paranoid of my brethren in the
intelligence community feel that by implementing this proposal, we could be dancing
exactly according to plan of the master puppeteer and that
Ms. Martin is planning on cornering the market on
bidets. Fortunately, I have acted preemptively to preclude any such action by launching
bidetsforadollar.com.
As a stopgap measure, until there is a
bidet in every restroom, we must all
fastidiously engage in manual
genitalia cleansing that is to be performed
immediately after
urination. It is vital that this cleansing be vigorous and thorough. Detailed instructions may be viewed at the
Genital Cleansing Faq.
Please be prepared for the initial odd reactions to your adherence to this procedure.
Uninformed people may appear amused, shocked and even frightened by your behavior. You must attempt to educate those that do not understand. Within twenty four hours, an educational pamphlet will be available from
Jack Chick at www.chick.com. Stock up and distribute with
extreme prejudice.
In closing, I must commend the
tenacity,
ingenuity and self-
sacrifice of Mr Bodine. While his implicit statement regarding his position on
oral sex has most likely hampered him in the
dating pool, we will all live better, safer, cleaner lives for it.