How to time waste at work (idea)

To start with, if you are planning on using the following methods to the extreme, then your job is not for you, face it, you're bored out of your brain, go find something to do that stimulates you!

These methods are tried and tested and will already to known to the majority of office workers. However, if you are only just entering the exciting world of administrative work, or simply feel you need to tune your time wasting abilities then read on. I'd also like to add that if carried out to the letter you will not lose your job.

A 9am to 5pm job with an hour for lunch. That's 7 hours of pure work your employer would have you do, that's 420 minutes people! Let's get this figure down.

• To start off with and most obviously get into work slightly late at 9:05am. By the time you've hung your coat up, started up your computer, grabbed a coffee, it's easily 9:10am. Doesn't sound a lot does it, but let's remember the aim is to keep your job and over the course of a week that's almost an hour of non-work. Do this every day and people in the office will simply learn to accept that you're the person who always gets in that little bit late.
• Save your shits for work. You can usually drag these out for about 10-15 minutes. Also, never use a urinal, if there's a cubicle free, take it. You can drag out a No.1 out for 5 minutes. A couple of these a day and thats 20 minutes a day simply sitting on the bog.
• Take up smoking. Everyone in an office accepts that the addicts have to have their fix. One in the morning and one in the afternoon, 10 minutes a pop, that's another 20 minutes gone.
• Grab a drink. This is most effective when the coffee machine is tucked away. If you're lucky you'll have a noticeboard next to it as well. Get your drink and read every single announcment. Finish your first drink and get a second to take back to your desk. Throughout the day this can take up to 10 minutes. On the other hand, co-ordinate with a colleauge and spend 10 minutes talking out of sight of the superiors.
• Go to lunch 5 minutes early, and come back 5 minutes late.
• Make friends. Conversating is by far and away the most effective time wasting method. Make it a routine to simply stroll up to your friend and strike up a conversation about nothing in particular. A conversation can last anything up to 15 minutes before people start to wonder where you've gone. If you can, make friends with the receptionist, if you have one. The reception area is a quiet place where no one else can see you, you can stand out there for ages nattering away. Even better, make friends with your boss. This is the ideal situation as you're effectively immune to getting into trouble. If you sit near your boss and get on, then you can spend the whole day doing jack shit.
• If you sit where no one can see your monitor, then the world is your oyster. Even better if you have access to the internet, as you can download stupid little games that will keep you amused for hours. My favourite was 147 snooker.
• Depending how well supervised you are, and if you've got the balls for it, just get up and walk out of the office. Go and and get a newspaper or a bag of crisps. Then walk back into the office cool as a cucumber. Think about it, would you notice someone else doing that? And if you did would you really care? People will only notice you coming and going if you hurry back to your desk, throwing your coat off, and exhibiting other guilty behaviour that says "hey look at me I've been bad!" Just remember, when you do it, do it cool, and no one will bat an eyelid.
• Masturbate at work. Most effective if you have a bi-sexual girlfriend and she's told you about her womanly encounters the night before, hold on, gimme 5.........
• .......right I'm back. At the end of the day you don't need to leave early, as this is something which will be most noticable to your colleauges. Simply down tools at 4:45pm, kick back and wait for someone else to leave first, this is the signal that it is ok for you to go.

If you employ all these methods. Then that's a good couple of hours out of your day.