My mum is just so fucking stupid! Now I'm not talking in the typical teenager vs parent way. That's how it used to be, but I'm 21 now for Christ sake and we still don't get on!

The plain fact of the matter is that my mum is thick as shit. Now I love my mum, well I like her, she's put me through too much emotional abuse over the years (mainly stemming from her stupidity) for me to honestly say I love her. But she is just so goddam ignorant, and thick, and closed minded, and allergic to change of any sort, and irritating and annoying, that sometimes I just want to punch her stupid fucking head in.

Okay I guess I have to back this opinion up with some hard evidence now, so here goes:

  1. She asks two questions to confirm one answer. Example: If she dishes me up 3 potatoes for dinner she'll ask me "is that enough?" I answer "Yes", she then immediately follows this up with "so you don't want any more?" Why isn't she happy with the answer I have just given? Sometimes she will ask the two questions one straight after the other so if I then answer "yes" she doesn't know if I'm answering "yes", I do want more potatoes, or "yes" that's enough potatoes. It's just confusing all round and drives me fucking crazy.

  2. She contradicts herself. My mum has been a housewife for about 25 years, ever since she became pregnant with my older brother basically. Everytime it's brought up that she might have it slightly easier then the rest of us (me, my bro and my dad)she goes off on one how she 'also' has a job! Then she lists all her chores like cooking, cleaning, washing, you know the general shit. But whenever I ask for dinner when she hasn't done it or ask if she's washed something of mine, she moans back that it's not her job, or what did my last slave die of. I mean make your fucking mind up. I also overheard her talking to her sister on the phone yesterday laughing and joking about how long ago she dusted i.e. about 4 fucking months!

  3. She complains that she finds it difficult to have a conversation with me. This is of course my fault. I mean take this conversation we had yesterday. I was putting my shoes on, getting ready to go to my gym which I do every day at exactly the same time each day....

    Mother: Are you going down the gym?
    Me: Yes
    Mother: Does it cost you each time you go?
    Me: No, I pay a monthly subscription.
    Mother: How much does it cost each time you go?

    I mean how can I have a conversation with this woman when she's not even paying any attention to what I'm saying to her. I tell her I'm pretty annoyed at this, she then goes off on one saying how she can't talk to me and that she didn't hear my original answer. I tell her she should have repeated the original question rather then assume an answer and base her next question on a false assumption. She moans, I go down the gym.

  4. She asks me a stupid question, I give a stupid answer, she moans. She'll ask me how many beans I want for dinner. I'll say something like 63. She will moan at me for being stupid. Just give me a normal fucking portion of beans for Christ sake I ain't fussy. Staying on the dinner subject. Ever since I can remember I have never really eaten all of my dinner and always left shit on the plate, she moans. You know what I'd do. Give me less to eat, problem solved. This kind of thinking is too forward thinking though really isn't it.

  5. My mother is illogical. I was walking home from the gym this afternoon. This takes me about 15 minutes in all. About halfway home it started raining. I don't care about getting wet so it didn't bother me. But I was thinking of when I got home what words of wisdom my mum would dispel onto me. I hedged my bets that "I should have taken an umbrella with me". But no, when I got home....

    Mother: I was expecting a phone call

    Basically she expected me to phone her to pick me up in the car. I was about 7 minutes walk from home when it started raining, I don't care about rain, and if I had phoned her, which hadn't even crossed my mind, she would have moaned at me for getting her out of her comfortable arm chair. I can't fucking win! Anyway, I was waiting for this kind of irritating response from my idiot mother and so said....

    Me: Why would I call you?
    Mother: What a stupid question to ask!

    I'm the stupid one yet again.

  6. Rejection of all modern technology. My mother cannot set her own alarm clock. Just a small example of how she simply refuses to put any effort into trying to work out anything for herself, and will instead get me, my brother of dad to do it for her. Other examples involve setting her video recorder, the radio presets in her car or the presets on her Walkman. She also refuses to get a mobile phone simply because it would be too difficult to work. After explaining that to answer a call you press the green phone button, and to end a call you press the red phone button she still protested that modern technology was too difficult to learn. Her having no knowledge of the workings of modern technology continually gets on my mantits. She wanted me to send a text message to my brother, and said that I should make sure I put the time I sent it, in the message. It automatically does this you dumb fuck! She also doesn't know anything about computers or e-mail or the Internet or anything and it just makes life difficult.

  7. Family arguments. We got a big family HooHar going on at the moment. Basically my mum and her 3 sisters are arguing with my uncle about my nans will (my nan isn't even dead yet!). You know what I'd do. Bitch about my uncle all day to my sisters and all my friends and any other family relative who I can catch the ear of, and get solicitors involved, and go behind peoples backs, and get all worked up over the whole fucking thing..........or, just sit down with my uncle and talk it all out and get it sorted in about 30 minutes.

  8. Limited matematical skills. My parents were having a discussion about when the bathroom was last decorated, I suggested it was about 15 years ago, my mum said, no no, it wasn't that long ago, it must have been about 1987 (it's 2002 people!).

  9. My mother hates change of any sort. There are so many examples of this, I'll get onto the big one in a minute. For example though, sitting with her watching the news. The news has a report on the Euro and the possibility of Britain joining the Euro. My mum flies off into one how she hates the Euro and that we shouldn't join, simply because it would involve "change". She doesn't take any economic arguments into account whatsoever which is the primary function of money. To not want to do something simply because it involves a change of some sort is just fucking stupid is it not?

    However, the biggest battle I had with my mum EVER was in the middle of 2001. During this time I wished my mum would just completely fuck off out of my life forever. It came to the point where I considered discussing with my dad the possibility of counseling for my mum, and I'm being serious! She fucking lost the plot big style, and you know why...because I started decorating my bedroom.

    You need to understand that I'm 21, and the last time my bedroom was decorated was about 10 years ago. I had fitted plywood wardrobes which were falling apart, a bed which I'd had since I was about 6, a worn out carpet, an old homemade computer desk and white washed but grubby walls. I hated that fucking room! So after a year of debate about what I would be allowed to do to it, we came to an agreement, and the work started. This is when my mum showed herself up to be an obsessive control freak, with a severe mental problem.

    So I started work on my room, ripping out my old wardrobes. My mum would visit my room every hour or so, look at what I was doing, huff and puff, ask if dad had said it was alright to do that? Where was I going to put all the old plywood? Where was I going to store all my stuff? Should I be taking them apart how I was? This drove me absolutely crazy.

    It was when I started taking the wallpaper off that it seriously kicked off. I was scrapping it all off, when my mum came up. Seeing all the old paper on the floor she fucking lost it, shouting that I should put it in a bag as I went along, and how I was doing it all wrong. I had enough, I put down my scraper and went downstairs, refusing to do any more work until she sorted herself out. I went and sat in the lounge and started watching TV in silence. My mum came down and start screaming at me, that I could carry on now with the bag she had got me, I refused. This made her even more crazy. She stood right in front of me, stamped on my foot, and screamed at me that I enjoyed ruining her life (you might think I'm exaggerating, I'm not I assure you). She then went to the kitchen and sobbed hysterically how awful I was to her. At this point she expected me to go and console her, and apologize to her, but I stopped myself, it was her who was in the wrong, and I stayed seated. After about 15 minutes, she came in and said sorry to me, I told her I accepted but I didn't, and I still don't. I got my room finished eventually but she didn't mend her ways, she still interfered and criticized at every opportunity available.

Obviously this is only my side of the story but I tell it in all honesty. We should probably sit down and go through everything that pisses us off about each other but I don't think that would sort anything out long term. We're just too different to get on with each other. I know you're probably thinking why don't I just move out. Well that would be my dream, but money's a bit of a problem right now, and property prices in London are sky high, so it's not going to happen any time soon. Basically I'm stuck in this fucking nuthouse and I'm going CRAZY!!!!!!!

Sorry about all the examples revolving around dinner as well, they're the ones that sprang to mind. There are countless other examples of my mum causing steam to come out of my ears but I don't want to take up the entire capacity of the internet. Of course I do appreciate that my mum cleans, cooks and washes for me as well. There, a balanced argument. Nuff said.

PS-To all the people who say mother supports me financially. My mum doesn't pay all the bills etc, she hasn't worked for over 25 years. My dad has a half decent job and my mum took the decision to be a lady of leisure as soon as she got up the duff. I kind of resent her for this attitude as well, but hey ho.