Do you have regular bowel movements? Do you get up at the same time every morning and follow the same routine? For example, you take a shower, go downstairs for your breakfast and then take a dump? And have you ever missed out the 'taking the dump' part, maybe because you overslept?

If you have, you may have then paid the price at some point over the course of the day and suffered from what I myself have suffered from over the years. Namely, the dreaded rectal pains.

I don't know why, but missing one regular bowel movement can put me in the most agonizing pain. It literally feels like someone is sticking a red hot poker right up my arse for anything up to 10 seconds. During this time I feel like I'm going to lose all control over my bowels and end up with a huge log in my pants whether I like it or not. If I'm in a formal situation, or away from home or known surroundings this can make me panic. I immediately start thinking of a plan in case the worst comes to the worst. What I usually say to myself, is that I'll run to the bogs, lock myself in a cubicle, take off my pants and flush them down the toilet, disposing of most of the evidence (and smell). I'd hope that I wouldn't get leakage onto my trousers, otherwise I'd be completely up shit creek without a paddle. If I did, I'd have to clean them up with toilet paper as best I could, then make my excuses and leave.

The pain though, is just so intense that it's just cruel that my body could do it to me. Over the years I've learnt to simply grit my teeth and wait for it to pass, then run to the toilet and drop my guts in a controlled fashion.

I have suffered from rectal pains quite a few times lately, as I have just taken up Airsoft skirmishing, this is like paintball but with little plastic ball bearings. It basically involves running around an English woodland trying to shoot people.

But anyway, I have to get up real early to go to this with my brother, who drives us both to the sight. Because I get up so early it doesn't coincide with my regular bowel movement and no matter how much I tense I can't squeeze one out.

I knew this could cause problems for the rest of the day so in my bag I took a bogroll. Of course after an hour of driving I was squirming in my seat not being able to think of anything else other then a lovely white porcelain toilet bowl and some lovely soft quilted toilet paper. Another 30 minutes more of driving we're almost there. By this time the throbbing, stabbing pains are beginning, I have to ask my brother to pull over (we're already in the forest). I leap out with my bogroll and find the least thorniest bush to squat down in.

Now, if you've ever taken a dump out in the open, squatting down, it's a very uncomfortable feeling. You have to make sure you are out of sight, and also that what your dropping out your ass isn't falling into your trousers and pants which are around your ankles. If this had happened it would have been my worst nightmare, but now I know to look out for this potential hazard.

Then you have to wipe your ass kind of half squatting back up. Maybe I just do this because I don’t like reaching under my under-carriage wiping back to front. I like to stand up straight usually wiping from floor to ceiling. This increases the risk of someone spotting you. Overall, this is a really horrible thing to have to do. I'd also hate to be the person taking a stroll in the woods, and then being confronted with a pile of shit stained toilet paper and a huge liquidy turd. But, these things have to be done.

My worst experience of taking a shit in the woods was when I forgot my sacred bogroll. It was autumn not long ago, and the only thing on offer were these tiny thorned leaves. They cut my arse to ribbons and I think I ended up with more shit on my fingers, really not nice, believe me. I don't think my mum was too impressed with the skid marks this caused in my pants either. But hey, she should be used to them by now.

If anyone else suffers from rectal pains, I would be interested to read their handling of the situation. I know I'm not completely unique as one of my mates also suffers from them on occasion, and no, we're not bum chums.