You are my consistency. My habit.
The one I turn to at once for any comfort, the one who I want to hold me in his arms. The touch that I recall when I think of being held.
I wonder, is that enough to be everything? Can we be grounded in this security that you hold for me?
I don't doubt that I love you, but I do wonder how.
Can I turn away from you without immediately wanting to come back? Am I perhaps bored by routine, and need to be reminded? But, in that case, is it really worth it, if I need some event every few months to assure me that my love is real? Have I really moved on, but am just holding on to the safety, the love, the memories you represent?
I could be happy with you, I think. But I could also make you miserable, and whether the snatches of perfect happiness will be worth the protracted sadness is questionable.
Could I be happier with someone else? Or even alone? Could I even just date without entering into a relationship immediately? Do I need that love and comfort?
Would I just turn back to you for it regardless? I think I might. Would that be fair. No. Horribly unfair.
Could you be happier with someone else? Yes, but only if you could bring yourself to think so. You deserve someone who will love you the way that you love me, not someone who constantly throws love into question and banders about your feelings.
Whom you believe respects you, if it comes down to that. Who, at least, acts as though she does.
I feel as though I am sorely lacking, perhaps particularly in comparable devotion. I feel as though I am not ready to be as committed as you are, as if the very thought of it terrifies me. Not that you are certain that we should be married, or anything of the sort, but the sort of long-range forecast that I thought I could handle but really can't.
I'm terrified of commitment. Or commitment of anything past this point. Of having been together for over a year, of imagining us together in the future and thinking of everything we might miss in between. Watching myself grind your personal dreams under my over-ambitious heel. Not that I don't imagine a world of good as well. It's just easier to fixate on all the bad. And, perhaps, more likely given my general self-importance. It isn't, and wouldn't be, fair to ask you to place yourself after me. But that is just what I'm doing, isn't it? And I'm not going to change. I don't want to change.
Not that this all comes to anything. It's just there, telling you how I feel.