My brain is spewing many random thoughts at me, so I believe it's time to write them down and try to make sense of them. By putting them here, maybe I can make enough sense of them that I can node them properly.

I've been in a relationship for over four and a half years now. Now, it feels like this relationship is choking me to death. I've loved my girl for four and a half years.. but for four years, it was all online. It was good.. it was really good. It was warm, real emotion in my cold empty life. When I talked to her, she would entertain me just by being herself. She would cause me to feel warm and happy with little things, like her consistant and predictable accidental misspellings. She made me happy for those years.. but..

I think I've always thought it wouldn't last. I'm much younger than her.. she has a daughter.. she had a husband.. Maybe those things individually haven't mattered much, but they always made me feel like the relationship was futile. I wasn't always happy when she was around.. it required such a commitment. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed and read. I don't want to sit at the computer and wait for her, or sit at the computer and talk to her. In four years, there have been around a 20 weekends she has gotten to spend with me. Most of themare spent with her (now ex-)husband. Because that's his daughter too, of course. He has custody of her on the weekend, so he visits her.

Those weekends.. I've always been glad to have my weekends free. When I know she'll be around, I try to be there for her.. but when I know she won't, I'm not on the computer so much. I'm willing to go out and spend time with my friends, or use my computer for more enjoyable things.. like noding. I don't node when she is around, because she wants my attention.. but sometimes my body cries to do other things.

It's not like she doesn't understand. Well, maybe it is. If I want to lay down and read, I tell her that I need to.. that the computer is driving me batty (I guess I lie, don't I?).. that my body can't stand it.. and it is mostly true, but the full truth is that my body can't stand being tied to the computer for her. My brain says I'd be happier laying down and reading, but instead I stay with her to make her happy.

She isn't my jailer. But I feel so obligated to spend my life with her.. because I know it would make her happy. I feel obligated to spend my life with her. Maybe it's just my arrogance, but I feel like maybe I'm the only person who can satisfy that need of hers for love. How much would it hurt her for me to not be with her? how much would it hurt me?

I used to always think I would be happy with her forever. But I don't know what I might be missing.. she is great for me.. we have so much in common, and so much similar. But I could be happy with someone else.. maybe happier.. but is it just that the grass is always greener on the other side?

I went to her.. I visited her in her home.. we spent a lot of time together during a week.. we were intimate and in love.. my doubts went away when we were together.. but were they actually gone, or were they shrouded in the amazing feelings of sharing new experiences with my love?

This weekend is my company christmas party. The christmas party is set in beautiful Lake Louise.. all expense paid.. a free room in the Château Lake Louise. In my mind, one of the most romantic places in the world.. and I can't bring her, she's thousands of kilometers away. Even if she were here.. would I feel embarassed or uncomfortable bringing her? What would my boss say at finding out my girlfriend is 15 years older than me.. what would happen to my wonderful job? What? Is my job really more important than my relationship? I love my job... but I love my girl... but I just don't like our relationship. Is that it?

Am I actually talking to the E2 scratch pad? ... and worse, was I just waiting for it to answer my questions? .... I guess you don't know the answers to those ones either.

Today at lunch I visited a local Eaton's store, and purchased some luggage and clothes. Add to this one haircut purchased yesterday, and I'm ready to go to my company christmas party without looking like a bum. But will I cry in bed, alone and feeling empty?