I am fat
. I know this. I hate this
. I am working on changing this. Normally, looking in a mirror is one of the worst things for me, as I then see just exactly how
fat I really am. This is at the forefront of my mind just now, as Dan and I are house sitting
for Mom's best friend, Rhonda. Why does that affect anything? I slept in her bedroom, and there are multiple mirrors on each wall in the room, and her headboard is made entirely of mirror-tiles.
As Dan and I were going to bed at 5:30 this morning, I had undressed part of the way when my reflection caught my attention. Standing before the floor-to-ceiling mirror in my black bra and panties, I spared a thought for how much better I look in black than in white, and how I could look almost sexy if my measurements were a bit smaller... (You see, I like my proportions. I have an hourglass figure and all that - my problem is that the measurements are just too damn large.) At any rate, I crawled onto the bed to sit beside Dan for a little while before going to sleep. We were talking, as we normally do before bed, and he noticed me glancing at the mirrored headboard. I wasn't wearing my usual slightly-disapproving facial expression that broadcasts when I am considering how awful I consider my body to look, so Dan asked what I was thinking. "Just that in this posture, from this angle, I don't look too bad. Just as long as I don't look at that mirror, anyhow." *gestures to the mirror atop the dresser, situated in front of them* Dan's response? A slightly disapproving look and "You look good from all angles." I shook my head and looked back in the mirror, at the rolls of fat around my middle. I said nothing.
This is the sort of conversation that Dan and I have often - I make completely accurate but none-too-positive comments about my physical appearance, and Dan attempts to refute them by telling me that he likes the way I look. He may like it, but I don't. I think the worst part about not liking the way I look, is that Dan feels hurt by my words and thoughts. The first night that Thomas and Amber saw how deeply I despise my physical size was also the first night that I saw Dan crying for the pain my self-desparaging comments caused him. "Do you know how much it hurts to hear you say how much you hate your body? I love you, and it hurts me to see you like this."
I know what I need to do to change how I feel about my body, but it is not possible at the moment. Exercise is the main thing, of course. My chosen method of exercise is martial arts training, and that is more-than-slightly difficult to do when I am still recovering from a back injury. I do know from experience, however, that I will start feeling better about myself after I start training again. It always happens that way when I begin training again or in a new art. I hope that is soon - my self-image hurts him more than it does me, it seems.