Mom found out yesterday that she has to go on dialysis. Within the month. She should find out sometime today or tomorrow when she has to go into the hosptial for the permanent dialysis catheter placement.

She called after I was in bed last night, in hysterics. Linda woke me, told me to call her back. I did.

She hung up on me.


I finally go her to tell me what was up, amidst her screams through hysterical tears that I should go back to bed, and that she was not going to talk about this on the phone.

I sobbed for hours. I called Dan at Ross & Debi's - he said he'd come home. I couldn't call Carrie - her parents would have had a shit-fit. I didn't have a calling card to call RJ or Walter. Neither Nate nor Alicia were home.

The last thing I remember thinking as I passed out from exhaustion was, "How do nurses do it? How do they keep from going crazy when a close family member gets sick, and they can't do anything to fix it?"

I asked one of my instructors that today, and - of course - I promptly lost it in her office. I was sobbing by the end of the first question.

Mom is so lonely - so scared. And I can't help her. I can't fix it. She needs someone there with her more often. Tabitha and Sheila are right - she is alone too much.

And then what kind of daughter am I??? I can't even find the time in my 'busy schedule' to be her support... I am awful - who else should I expect to do this? Who else should I expect would find this important, if I can't find the time in my own life to support her???

Okay, I'm going to stop rambling now. I have homework to do, and it is hard to read the screen through tears.