Mom found out yesterday that she has to go on dialysis
. Within the month. She should find out sometime today or tomorrow when she has to go into the hosptial for the permanent dialysis catheter
She called after I was in bed last night, in hysterics. Linda woke me, told me to call her back. I did.
She hung up on me.
I finally go her to tell me what was up, amidst her screams through hysterical tears that I should go back to bed, and that she was not going to talk about this on the phone.
I sobbed for hours. I called Dan at Ross & Debi's - he said he'd come home. I couldn't call Carrie - her parents would have had a shit-fit. I didn't have a calling card to call RJ or Walter. Neither Nate nor Alicia were home.
The last thing I remember thinking as I passed out from exhaustion was, "How do nurses do it? How do they keep from going crazy when a close family member gets sick, and they can't do anything to fix it?"
I asked one of my instructors that today, and - of course - I promptly lost it in her office. I was sobbing by the end of the first question.
Mom is so lonely - so scared. And I can't help her. I can't fix it. She needs someone there with her more often. Tabitha and Sheila are right - she is alone too much.
And then what kind of daughter am I??? I can't even find the time in my 'busy schedule' to be her support... I am awful - who else should I expect to do this? Who else should I expect would find this important, if I can't find the time in my own life to support her???
Okay, I'm going to stop rambling now. I have homework to do, and it is hard to read the screen through tears.