Two years ago today I stood in front of a full-length mirror checking out that I looked fabulous in the mermaid tail and sparkly clamshells. I was content with the look; the joy of long blonde hair is regardless that you are touch tubby, you make a great mermaid. I was off to a party, free of the shackles of the most hideous relationship; I was foot loose and fancy free. I had no idea how one night would affect the rest of my life.
It is two years today I met Michael, two years since he first kissed me. I can still feel that kiss the physical contact so palatable that I can almost taste the chlorine from the swimming pool. The ridiculousness of the situation is still makes me smile. In a pool, naked bodies left, right and centre and this man kissed me. Dripping wet from swimming wearing black non descript underwear and no make up and he still kissed me. I can’t believe it was two years ago.
I have had plenty of boyfriends and a number of girlfriends but no one had made me feel like this. The love is like a warm fuzzy blanket to curl around my heart and soul and makes in my insides turn into syrup when he says "I love you". Michael has my heart, his name is written upon my soul. Hell, the girl who did not want to have children wanted to have his and he agreed. April was the chosen month to move in together. The thought of it had kept me smiling for months; I could not wait for me to wake up to his laughing green eyes and spend the night in the best place in the world…his arms. He was the man I would marry it appeared that Michael wanted the same.
Last Thursday after a six week downward spiral Michael left me. He does not love me enough, he said for a long-term relationship.
The past six weeks have been beyond devastating, I have learnt many things. You can cry until your eyes swell up. If you cry yourself to sleep your lashes can become crusted with salt. That just when you feel better one word from him can set you back on your arse again. That the term heart broken is really an amazing physical reaction that affects everything in your life. That I did sit there with a hand full of pills thinking that there was no place left for me to go, after seeing the complete lack of love in his eyes. That a man can fall out of love with you overnight. That grief and anger are closely related.
At the moment I am holding together and this is the first time I have nodded my desolate state of mind but two years is an important milestone and I wonder if you can be scared out of love?. I shall move on without my soul mate and try to keep my emotional state together. I have always been strong…one person's love no matter how great is not enough to lose your life over. I shall look in the mirror and feel the shackles drop again… someday.