So here I am on a Saturday afternoon clearing out my desk. The project has been cancelled and its time to move out. I put all my personal stuff in a box and throw out the ridiculous amounts of paper full of suddenly irrelevant information cluttering my desk.

I 'sanitise' my PC. I delete megabytes of files. I delete hundreds and hundreds of emails - 6 months worth of accumlated electronic correspondence blinks out of existence. With them go all the emails from her and all the ones I wrote to her. The simple expostulations of love among arrangements for dinner on some long lost evening, innocent of what was to follow. The later tortured ones full of insecurities and helpless apologies. The ones where every word was agonised over and yet still could not quite convey what we were trying to say. The ones that actually caused physical pain in my chest when they arrived. The ones from before the time when we finally just stopped talking. The ones that I have kept for no reason that I understand. I delete them now. I have to resist the temptation to read them all one last time. It wouldn't be a good idea. There - now they are gone.

So tomorrow I fly out to Chicago to teach a training course for 3 weeks. This might be fun, but somehow I think it will just be tiring. Im doing it mainly to buy time while I try to decide what to do now. I have not liked my role on this project - I decided a while ago to look at resigning from this firm and moving on, and now things are coming to a head. I got two job offers yesterday and I also explained things to an associate partner with my current employer and he promised to get back to me with something that might convince me to stay.

I have some decisions to make.

Kung's US daylogs next