Early this evening I am swamped with a wave of bitterness
. I hold angry imaginary conversations
in which I say nasty venomous wounding things
to her and to certain of my so called friends
whom I haven't seen for months.
And then it has passed and I am just miserable
. My flatmate arrives home so I shut myself in my room
and lie on my bed in the suit
that I haven't bothered to change out of. I don't want to be here
. I want to go away, away from here, away from everything, but I don't have anywhere to go
. I want to run away
to somewhere new but I know that if I did it would just be me in another place
. Besides, sometimes I love this city
My flatmate turns on the stereo in the lounge and I can hear him banging around in the kitchen. I decide to go out and get some dinner, mainly just to get out of here
for a while. I open my door, walk straight out and head downstairs. Then my knees sort of buckle
under me and the next thing I know I'm sitting halfway down the stairs with tears making slow tracks down my face again
. After a minute the fear
?) that someone will come out of one of the apartments and find me like this motivates me to haul myself up and keep moving
. I trudge slowly down Toorak road
. I have no idea where I am going, I am just walking.
Then I see Nando's
across the road and I decide to get a chicken burger
and go eat it alone in the park or something. I cross the road and go in. The guy behind the counter
greets me cheerily and asks me how I am.
'Pretty Good Thanks
' I say.