Everytime I call him like this, he sounds so disappointed. Almost as if my behavior somehow shows that I don't love him enough to quit. I could make so many excuses. It's my last year to be really crazy. It's my last year with him so far away. It's my last year with my college friends, and we've always done drugs. Right now I'm not ready to say without a doubt that I'm completely done with drugs. I know that would be a lie. Last night as I was rollin' all I could think about was him, and if he only knew how sublimely happy I was thinking about our future together. I didn't care if that was my last roll or my last party. I just wanted him. He loves me no matter what, but I always get the distinct impression that his heart breaks just a little bit every time he hears about me ingesting some sort of mind-altering chemical. And when he got off the phone with me last night all I could do was cry and think, what a huge disappointment I am.