I probably am making a
mistake in writing this, but
oh well.
Basically, this
weekend I went to visit my
girlfriend. Yes, this is a
common task, especially for people
18 years of age and
older. However, the
circumstances surrounding this weekend are
rather different. Think of this as "
Kielziz's advice on how to
rent a
hotel room 75 miles away and still
convince your
mother that you stayed at a
friend's house
down the street." And here we
go...
Background story first:
Saturday night, I was planning on meeting my
girlfriend and driving the 75 miles back to her house, and renting a
hotel room for the
night, and then coming back down
Sunday night. My family was supposed to
leave for the weekend, and the
entire trip was supposed to go
flawlessly. However, my mother
decided to stay home. So,
needless to say, I quickly had to make a
plan to make my mother
suspect I was hanging out with
local friends, and staying at one of their houses
overnight. Thus, the
fun begins...
Step 1, the most important thing: Departure. To avoid suspicion right from the
getgo, arrange for a
trusted friend to come over and pick you up. Discuss
beforehand what you're doing that night
("I dunno...maybe hanging out at Dunkin Donuts, we might go see The Replacements..."), and make sure you're
upstairs when the friend arrives, to get your mother to ask him what the plan is.
Why, you ask? If she asks him first, it
somehow makes your mother think that you really
are going to go hang out at
Dunkin Donuts for a while, and see a
movie.
Trust me, it works.
Step 2: Meeting up. Arrange to meet the people at a place that they can
DEFINITELY find. A phone call to your house of "This is
Anne, could you tell Chris to call me on the
cell phone, because I can't find the
Wawa he wanted me to meet him at,
thanks" will set off
pretty much every alarm your mother has. Arrive promptly and, if possible, before the scheduled meeting time.
Buy a magazine.
Step 3: Departure. Right before you
get in your girlfriend's car to go, tell your friend
Dan that if your mother
calls, that you met up with someone at
the mall, and that you left with them, sorry. Then, get in the girlfriend's car, and
get the hell out of there. Worry
nervously for the first 15 minutes that the
Taurus behind you is in fact your
mother, chasing you down. Casually touch your girlfriend's
breasts.
Step 4: The Hotel. Once you get up to your girlfriend's
hometown, and to the
Holiday Inn that's there, realize that you should probably have made
reservations first. Get back in the car and drive to a
lesser-known, cheaper hotel.
Drop the $90 it takes to
get a room for the night, and head over to the room. Obviously.
Step 5: That Night... Okay, people.
This isn't difficult to figure out.
Boyfriend +
girlfriend +
hotel room +
bed =
sex. Come on. Don't know how to have
sex? Read
this.
Step 6: Getting your stories straight. The next day, after you and your girlfriend and her friend do
whatever, sit down and get your stories straight. You slept at
Dave's house,
met up with Anne and Kelly at noon, went to the mall, and went
bowling. And they're being nice, so they're
dropping you off at home. If necessary, call
Dave to make sure he knows you stayed at his
house last night.
Trust me.
Step 7: Heading Home, and Re-entry. Take the long drive home, and make sure you
wave at your mother when you pull in the
driveway. Get out, introduce the
girls, and let
them tell her about how you met them at
noon and went
bowling. If necessary, allow your girlfriend to make you look like a
pathetic whiny loser. It for some reason works.
Especially if you are one.
The Final Step: Act Like Nothing Happened. Run up to your room, drop off your
bag, hide the
hotel receipt and the
condoms, and briefly
make out with your girlfriend out of
happiness that you managed to
get away with it. Say goodbye to the ladies, wave, etc. And whatever you do,
constantly talk to your mother after they leave.
Leave no questions unanswered, and if possible, don't
shut up long enough to let her answer. Also, doing
labor for her helps. She'll eventually forget you were even
gone.
Well,
that's about it. I think I have to sell my
bass now, just to make up all the
money I owe. (sigh). I am finally a
convincing liar.