I probably am making a mistake in writing this, but oh well.

Basically, this weekend I went to visit my girlfriend. Yes, this is a common task, especially for people 18 years of age and older. However, the circumstances surrounding this weekend are rather different. Think of this as "Kielziz's advice on how to rent a hotel room 75 miles away and still convince your mother that you stayed at a friend's house down the street." And here we go...

Background story first: Saturday night, I was planning on meeting my girlfriend and driving the 75 miles back to her house, and renting a hotel room for the night, and then coming back down Sunday night. My family was supposed to leave for the weekend, and the entire trip was supposed to go flawlessly. However, my mother decided to stay home. So, needless to say, I quickly had to make a plan to make my mother suspect I was hanging out with local friends, and staying at one of their houses overnight. Thus, the fun begins...

Step 1, the most important thing: Departure. To avoid suspicion right from the getgo, arrange for a trusted friend to come over and pick you up. Discuss beforehand what you're doing that night ("I dunno...maybe hanging out at Dunkin Donuts, we might go see The Replacements..."), and make sure you're upstairs when the friend arrives, to get your mother to ask him what the plan is. Why, you ask? If she asks him first, it somehow makes your mother think that you really are going to go hang out at Dunkin Donuts for a while, and see a movie. Trust me, it works.

Step 2: Meeting up. Arrange to meet the people at a place that they can DEFINITELY find. A phone call to your house of "This is Anne, could you tell Chris to call me on the cell phone, because I can't find the Wawa he wanted me to meet him at, thanks" will set off pretty much every alarm your mother has. Arrive promptly and, if possible, before the scheduled meeting time. Buy a magazine.

Step 3: Departure. Right before you get in your girlfriend's car to go, tell your friend Dan that if your mother calls, that you met up with someone at the mall, and that you left with them, sorry. Then, get in the girlfriend's car, and get the hell out of there. Worry nervously for the first 15 minutes that the Taurus behind you is in fact your mother, chasing you down. Casually touch your girlfriend's breasts.

Step 4: The Hotel. Once you get up to your girlfriend's hometown, and to the Holiday Inn that's there, realize that you should probably have made reservations first. Get back in the car and drive to a lesser-known, cheaper hotel. Drop the $90 it takes to get a room for the night, and head over to the room. Obviously.

Step 5: That Night... Okay, people. This isn't difficult to figure out. Boyfriend + girlfriend + hotel room + bed = sex. Come on. Don't know how to have sex? Read this.

Step 6: Getting your stories straight. The next day, after you and your girlfriend and her friend do whatever, sit down and get your stories straight. You slept at Dave's house, met up with Anne and Kelly at noon, went to the mall, and went bowling. And they're being nice, so they're dropping you off at home. If necessary, call Dave to make sure he knows you stayed at his house last night. Trust me.

Step 7: Heading Home, and Re-entry. Take the long drive home, and make sure you wave at your mother when you pull in the driveway. Get out, introduce the girls, and let them tell her about how you met them at noon and went bowling. If necessary, allow your girlfriend to make you look like a pathetic whiny loser. It for some reason works. Especially if you are one.

The Final Step: Act Like Nothing Happened. Run up to your room, drop off your bag, hide the hotel receipt and the condoms, and briefly make out with your girlfriend out of happiness that you managed to get away with it. Say goodbye to the ladies, wave, etc. And whatever you do, constantly talk to your mother after they leave. Leave no questions unanswered, and if possible, don't shut up long enough to let her answer. Also, doing labor for her helps. She'll eventually forget you were even gone.

Well, that's about it. I think I have to sell my bass now, just to make up all the money I owe. (sigh). I am finally a convincing liar.