/me is depressedWorking the night shift is great when you enjoy the night. Which I do. At least I thought I did. What I found out was that I liked it because it allowed me to get away from my regular life during the day. You can see the problem here. It doesn't help that none of my friends share those
absurd hours, so for a good 6 hours of my day it's just me and my car and daylogging.
The root of all this crap is in me not being happy with the way my life is going. The irony is, it's going quite well, thank you very much. I have a great job, it's a 36k a year entry level job having no experience and no post-high school education, damn it. It's incredible. I have exactly the car I want. I'm soon going to be assembling my very own Dual 2GHz
Xeon system, and I'm going to put a gig of ram in it just for the hell of it. I'm set. Underlying problem is, I'm set too early.
I could do this for the next 40 years, retire with a healthy pension and whatnot. Christ, I'm not even 20 yet.
What the hell is going on here? My friends are leaving me for college, although I really only have one that I hang out with without mixed company anyway. This is ridiculous.
Please turn the page.
I was in the drive thru line at my local
In-N-Out Burger yesterday behind a red pickup truck. It had oversized sideview mirrors. The back window was tinted, but as the line progressed I saw the female driver lean over and presumably
kiss the passenger. She leaned back with the classic "I just kissed you what the hell do I say now" look. I totally forgot that look. It's been dangerously close to a year since my last relationship. I can't believe I'm missing it.
She cheated on me for Christ's sake. She was dense, and precocious to a fault, and she had bad breath. She wasn't even that much of a looker (although she had a killer body.
Brick house style). The entire relationship was trite and dumb. But damnit it was my trite, dumb, relationship. And I find myself missing it. Missing the trite, dumb things. Because they were meant only for me. Because they made me feel special. Because I could start a sentence with because and she was in such awe of me that she didn't care.
Now here I am at 3am, and nobody is around. There are only about 3 places open right now and two of them are gas stations. Everybody's asleep. And every chance that I have to get near any sort of relationship, trite and meaningless or otherwise, is gone. That's where the depression lies. Not in failure, but lack of opportunity to fail.