I’ve cut myself. I felt like I didn’t control anything, couldn’t make a difference except to my own body.
When I realised that I didn’t dare to go really deep, and hid the wounds, I stopped fooling myself with the whole notion of ‘control over myself’.
I was 10
The scars have faded, completely or almost.
Only what it inflicted to my thoughts remains.
It’s not a scar.
“If there isn’t any bigger meaning, then the smallest act of kindness is the greatest thing in the world.” &dagger
Layers of doubt and fear, all interweaving and overlapping, carefully held together by insecurity, but interspersed with bright flashes of truth, hope, love.
I wish you..
“… The serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things that you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” (I need that myself, a lot)
“Is he handsome? I mean, would we think he was handsome?”
I smiled - briefly. Even in my terrified, numb state, I sensed the irony behind this question.
“No, I would think not.”
“Come on, just tell us.”
I looked pleadingly into the dissapointed, firm eyes of one of my best friends. I was shaking, trying to get a grip on myself, but my mind was too busy racing to do any gripping. Words formed in my mind – but they didn’t seem to connect with my vocal cords.I had tried to think of the best way to tell them this, all weekend.
I looked straight into the eyes of one of the three friends, with whom I was sharing a 2-person tent with.
“It’s, um… It’s not a boy.”
I looked at the ground. I felt relieved, in a dizzying, numbing kind of way. At least the doubts of telling them or not were gone now – there was of course the risk that everyone would know, or that they couldn’t handle it –god, they had to sleep next to me tonight- for the moment, I tried not to care.
“Jesus, I never expected..” &infin“But, I touch you all the time..” &infin “If I would – feel something like that, I would try to push it away, I guess” &infin “How, how long do you know?”
I was happy they didn’t try to hide their shock – they’re honest, at least.
She even grinned. “When you said it wasn’t a boy, I thought; “huh, what the heck is it then – neuter?”
I smiled. The inside of the tent, which smelled like alcohol because of the Smirnoff bottle that she had tipped over, and looked like a tornado had tore through all our stuff because of the silly, exited atmosphere that we were caught in this whole weekend didn’t lead to big cleaning moods, seemed a little brighter. They were good friends.
“So, shall we do a video-night this week? I feel a big need-for-popcorn-attack coming up. Or wait – we could watch Everwood together tomorrow.”
“Uh.. no, I think I might have a family-thing, a birthday or something.”
I think my heart ripped that moment. This was my best friend, with who I could talk about anything, hug or tickle, just because I felt like it, and be totally comfortable and at ease with. Not any more, apparantly.
You once told me, you’re like Willow. I must admit – the resemblance is striking. You have the magics in you alright. I look at you, hear you, you just shine.
Hopefully, one day, you’ll see it too.
I care about my friends, try to make the best out of life, sometimes see things others don’t expect me to – but I don’t have or am anything special. All the talented people I know – I can only try to show them what they are.
I’m afraid of responsibility, lack the self-confidence to become mature…
Xander it is.
“I need to tell you something.”
“Ok, tell me.”
The hardness of his voice, his ill at ease movements, and the look in his eyes all betrayed his trying-to-be-cool appearance.
I was silent for a long time, paced around the room, bit on my lip.
“ I, um, I’m in love with someone else.”
I didn’t dare to look at his reaction. I had done this kind of thing to him one too many times.
“it’s… It’s not Tom, if you uh.. assumed that.”
“Tell me who it is.”
“ I’d rather not.”
“I deserve to now that, at least.”
I looked into his eyes, for the first time since my Evil Bitch Monster of Death announcement. This sudden self-assured, goal oriented version of him that stood before me.. he keeps surprising me.
“So… Boy or girl?”
I was undone. My fears of him knowing me better than I did.. Connected to my very essence, fears of not being able to change, stand still, because of it, flooded my mind again. Was he smiling?
I told him.
He laughed, and hugged me.
“Well, at least I have something to tell now –“Y’know, my first girlfriend turned gay after our relationship of a year.” He smiled.
“I’m not gay.”
‘You’re kidding me’ was spelled out in his wide eyed expression.
“I’m still… just me. Anyway, it’s just not meant to be.”
The boy lying on his bed, opposite to me, who has meant, and still does mean, so much to me, full of his own, private little oxymorons, the best kisser anywhere, anytime, shot a troubled look in my direction, shrugged it off, and smiled again.
‘You’re not in love with me anymore, are you?”
I sensed him taking a deep breath.
“It’s weird, that after everything you’ve put me through, I still even want to talk to you.”
“But I just can’t do without you.”
He’s the most honest person I know.
I don’t deserve him… or anything else.
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself
Dashboard Confessional: Vindicated
&dagger “Angel” – Epiphany