"Knee deep in regret and remorse..."

That's how I feel right now. It's official... I'm an idiot. Whatever chance I had for a close relationship with her is gone - and it's not like it wasn't my fault. I got a little too close to her little sister, because I thought she had found somebody else and just didn't care anymore.

Yeah... I can't blame her. I'm her best friend and she loves me. Err.. I hate my life.

This is stuff I should've thought of before I did what I did. This is stuff I should've thought of after I did what I did. Not a few weeks later when everything's already happened, and the future's already the present. Typical of me... And it seems like Mike wouldn't mind hooking up with her - great, the past repeating itself yet again.

At this point it makes me too sick to even think about it. The first time I've felt emotion in so long, and it's all moot because I couldn't control my hormones. It's not that simple though, because I really do like her.. More than that though, I feel extremely deeply, like that feeling you get once in . . . years. Now I'm her friend - how predictable is that? Yeah. Textbook.

So now what? I don't know.. I don't want to even give a fuck anymore. Just let life wash it over like the sands of time, erase it with the tides of daily life and Everquest. The feeling that I had removed from my emotions came back strong, and now it's all gone. Again. Thanks.

I guess the big question right now is why all this is so incredibly important to me... Why? Shoudln't I be worried about the fact that I don't have a job, or that my educational future is null and void? I suppose I should be concerned about the fact that my debt is increasing ever-so-slightly, maybe. I'm a fucking train wreck, and I hate it - now to try and do something about it.

In other news, the photography hobby is going pretty good. I've gone through about ten rolls of film already and taken some really interesting photographs, even though most of them really suck imho.

Chitlin is level 51 and chillin in Sebilis now with all the uber peeps. EQ's someplace that I've been spending more and more of my time, if only to escape my every day life. It's sad when I think twice about thinking...

I'm leaving for Germany and Norway in four days. In Europe for three weeks... I wonder how things will work out? Hopefully it'll all be fun... Maybe I'll meet someone? Who knows...