Dear Daddy,
It's funny that I still call you that. I have no idea what a daddy actually is. I mean, I know you are my father though sperm donor seems to be the role you chose for yourself. Yes, you contributed 50% of my DNA, which is evident because I am tall just like you. I have the exact same nose. My natural hair color even has that brownish glow to it like yours. I am an observer, much like you; I'm a great conversationalist and can be quite a charmer. Daddy, I have the same quick wit as you. I attribute many of these traits to my mom all the time, but everyone tells me "that’s just like your daddy" so they might be on to something, I wouldn't know. For the record, you used to be the one I looked up to. I thought mommy was the bad guy, the one trying to keep me from you because she was jealous. But eventually I saw through you and learned for my self who you really are. It’s taken so many years, and through countless disappointments to discover that you are not the man I thought you were, and will never be the father I wish you could be.
I believed all the lies that you told about mommy to get my sympathy to make it seem like you did nothing wrong, for a long time. What kills me the most was that I was too naïve to see through your paper-thin wall of deception. I was so mad at mom, for a really long time. Now I realize that everything she’s ever done was to protect me from you. She knew better, and I didn’t. You’ve missed so much in the past 13 years it’s really disappointing to think about. At first I made excuses “it’s too far” or “he has to deal with Luke” but then I realized that if you really truly cared, you would have moved mountains to see me. And that’s what brings me to tears. Was that you didn’t care. What you do in your life not only affects you, but severely affects me. You tell me that mom plays games, but guess what so do you! You’re probably the person she learned them from to begin with. I may be 16 now, but for a little girl those mind games were confusing and traumatizing. Now I know I don’t have to put up with your bullshit anymore. And that is such a wonderful, freeing feeling. I remember when I was little me and mom and sometimes Mike would be on our way up to meet you and I would BEG them to not let me go. And mommy would remind me that it was only for a weekend. I don’t think she could ever really figure out why I didn’t want to go so bad, and I think I’ve blocked out most of it, because honestly, I don’t remember. But young children aren’t just afraid of their parents. There must have been a pretty damn good reason.
It wasn’t until recently when I really looked back on my life and realized who was there and who wasn’t. For the most part, it was mom, and Mike, but hardly you. Hardly you. It was Mike who came to all my games and taught me how to throw a baseball, and a football, and scared off all the boys who knocked on our door. He tells me when I do well, and is so proud of me. He is my real hero. Nothing you could do will ever measure up to the things he’s done for me. Like a real man, he took me in as his own daughter, and I know that he would do anything for me. For you, I can’t say the same. You owe him everything, because he took the time to raise me, your little girl, and teach me lessons that you never have. You owe him the world.
I’ve been thinking of changing my name, but I know you would never agree. Its not that I hate my last name, but I hate all the things that are attached to it, mainly you. We share the same last name, but that’s about all we share. Me and Mike are closer than you and I will ever be. To me, he is my real father. We don’t share the same blood, or DNA, but we share so much more. We share memories, and experiences, and most of all love. Mike is the only person I feel safe with on a roller coaster, as silly as that sounds, because I know that he wouldn’t do anything that would put me in harms way. He is everything I want in a father and more. He is twice the man your will EVER be. Just remember that next time you go to call me (once in a blue moon). Remember that I already have a father, and you are not him.
When you stand up in church on Sundays and talk to those people, they only see part of you, the good you, the religious, family-oriented you. But even God knows that you weren’t always like that. And as much as you try to pretend that he doesn’t, God knows all the bullshit you’ve put me through. So you can preach to people how wonderful you are, but in the end I know the truth. Thank you for being the peacemaking uncle, the "cool and understanding" uncle. Do you know all of my cousins call you their favorite uncle? Another thing I love is that when I do visit you on the rare on occasion, and we go to church, or to other places where I don’t know anyone, and I tell them that I am your daughter, 90% of the people don’t know I even exist. I mean obviously your not going to tell every person that you have a another daughter who lives on Cape Cod, but I always find it odd when NO ONE knows who I am, or that Luke has a sister. I should be surprised, but I guess I’m not. I always knew I was never really a large part of your life. If I was, I suppose things would have been different. One question though, how much do you really know about me? Besides maybe my height, my hair color, and my eye color. What do you really know about me, as a person? I swear the only reason you even remember my phone number is because it’s programmed into your cell phone.
I am tired of being accused of freezing you out and not keeping up communication with you these days. Please, tell what exactly do we have in common? Those days when I would make an effort to e-mail you long letters of how my life was going or to ask when it would be convenient for YOU for me to come up, did you ever try to reply? What about you calling? The phone number in my house has never changed and neither has my cell phone, did you take it upon yourself to give me a call? Oh, but excuse me for forgetting those times you called to make it seem like you were “concerned.” A call every 2 or 3 months doesn’t really even deserve a response. Those e-mails that you sent when you were pissed that I wouldn’t call you back were really sentimental too might I add. So please tell me why you expect me to be your best friend now? Because you gave your sperm some 16 years ago? You get mad when I don’t let you know I’ve been up you but you honestly think you deserve to know how I am? Because we share the same last name? Let me make this clear, I do not hate you, but don't mistake .my lack of hatred for the opposite feeling, because I certainly do not love you either. I accept that you are a part of me, and I, you.
Another thing I want to touch on is my relationship with Luke. As you probably know, our relationship is not like the one I have with Zachary. Partially because of his ADHD which I have a hard time dealing with, and partially because I don’t see him nearly as often as I do Zachary. Luke’s birth came during a very difficult time in my life, especially for a 5 year old. I was confused, I think, because you and mom had just recently got divorced and you already had a new girlfriend and a new baby. It’s like me and mom weren’t enough. In truth, I resented him and still do at times. When I come up I get so frustrated because he monopolizes your time. Limited time that I have with you. I know he has ADHD but sometimes it’s just NOT FAIR that he gets most of your attention. I feel like I take a back seat. I’m up for maybe one weekend a month. For 48 hours can you just concentrate a little attention on me? I’m not asking you to completely ignore him or to not give him attention at all, but I think he can survive with out all you attention for a weekend. Luke is my brother, and I do love him…but it’s just so different than the way I love Zach. I will never resent him personally, because his timing of birth is not his fault and neither is his ADHD. He will always be my brother and have a very special place in my heart.
Now on to this new brady bunch-esque family situation we have going on. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. I like Fabi and the kids, but I honestly think you should have waited a little bit longer to get married and such. Just let us get comfortable with each other let Fabi’s kids get comfortable with the fact that they were getting a new step-father. I don’t know maybe I’m off point here. Maybe their fine with it. But personally, if I had been then I wouldn’t have. I don’t really have a problem with Fabi and she’s a great person. I’m glad she makes you happy. But sometimes I don’t understand or agree with her actions and decisions on how she deals with things. I think you understand what I mean. But if you don’t, I don’t care to go into it. I don’t want it to seem like I’m attacking her or have a personal vendetta against her. Because I don’t. She has a special place in your life and I respect that. But don’t force that on me. You may love her, but it doesn’t mean I have to. Honestly, you and mom have been divorced for over 10 years and I’m still getting used to you being married. I can’t imagine how Nick, Derek, and Larissa must feel. Sometimes it feels like their more your kids than I am. I know I know distance is an issue but…it just seems like you care about them more than you care about me. Maybe I’m wrong. Hopefully I’m wrong.
I don't want you to read this and go blaming my mother for bad mouthing you. Because she actually didn't start doing that until recently, when you started taking the glory for your "wonderful" child that after a while you had no part in raising. But by the time she started, I was old enough to have formed my own independent opinion of you. Nobody will be able to say that you didn't raise your daughter right ;) even though in actuality you didn’t raise me at all. When you proudly boast about how brilliant or high achieving I am, I will still shine and attribute it to you. I'll still do all that, because I know its not worth the trouble to correct them. I’m sure they don’t wont to hear my sob story. And because of you every man I will be with I will be skeptical of. Making sure he has every quality in him that I deserve. I'll do this because I think we both know that I'm making sure I don't do what all girls supposedly do and marry men just like their fathers. That would be such a pity.
So please do your part and play the role you chose for yourself; see the play that is my life started a while back, even if you did miss opening night. At this late hour, it's unreasonable to start changing my lines and costumes. My life story is already being written. And you are no longer a part of it. Don't worry I will even force myself to cry at your funeral too.
Your child,
Kelsey