Shoes will eat your feet.

I tell no lies, it's all true, and more besides.

Shoes will eat your feet.
Happened to my Aunt Merton last month, while she was skating in the Andes.

Did you hear about the Andes?
That's where Mr Kennedy goes to check up on his Yeti Farm.

Not the young Mr Kennedy, the older one.
The one who was there when the Vatican was taken over by a plague of vultures.

When I say plague, I mean more of a trickle.
Like the trickle of warm sewage flowing from a pipe.

Pipes are funny things.
They were only invented due to serendipity, when Dr Johnson ran over his neighbour's dog.

A Beagle I think.
Like the one that was in the film with the guy in the place where the thing exploded.

A huge explosion, guts everywhere.
The duodenum was literally hanging around.

Duodenums are unnecessary anyway.
I think their only function is to allow the Martians to spy on us.

They use their special telescopes, with the smoked glass cut from purest Zirconium.
Only, they had to use lasers cos they have no hands.

My grandfather invented lasers.
He needed a way to get from A to B, while blowing up C.

However, C was pissing him off, causing ugly neuron chain reactions in his cerebral cortex.
If only he had drunk more at breakfast.

Alcohol is a great social lubricant.
Almost as good as sex, but sex can't be done in public.

Apart from that time in '86, when the government released those hormones into the water system.

And of course the water inspectors didn't know a thing, being all dead.
They shouldn't have had that chicken.

But the chickens are all bastards anyway.
You can tell because they walk around barefoot.

But that's probably wise.
Because shoes eat your feet.

I tell no lies, it's all true, and more besides.