Part One

"My word look at how blunt this knife is!"
/me picks up notched household blade with no sharp edge to be seen, tests on finger.
"This is one extremely blunt knife."
/me proceeds to absently run blade across palm of hand while contemplating breakfast options
/me starts to feel pain and notices long shallow cut across hand.

Part Two

The hand is clean but the cupboard is bare (aside from a frozen meat pie and a dwindling supply of instant noodles), must get groceries before breakfast can be had.

Everything goes as planned until I reach the canned meat section.
Not even spam, but some nasty cousin without a memorable brand name.
/me grabs spam in some kind of daze and heads home.

This can opens like those old sardine cans I've never actually seen, but of course the key snaps and alternate methods of entry are required.
The blunt knife that left a shallow scratch along my paw is all I need and after three quick stabs the spam is mine to enjoy.

/flatmate looks up
"Are you eating spam?"


/flatmate wrinkles nose
"It smells like cat-food"


"Get out"

Luckily I was able to find a location where while not being in the room, its occupants had a perfect view of me as I munched through the entire can (except for something that kinda resembled lard that had latched on to the sides).

What scares me most of all is this aspect of the ingredients: 98% Beef.