Please allow me to recommend the glories of monkeywrenching and culture jamming. It can be as simple as going to the AdBusters' website at www.adbusters.org, printing some of their flyers, and handing them out at your local Wal-Mart and McDonald's. If you prefer to gum up the wheels of corporate culture without pre-printed brochures, here are some things you can try.

First, some no-nos: Don't commit any felonies, don't vandalize property, and don't hack anyone's website--they are ineffective methods of persuasion, because John Q. Public associates all of these activities with murderous thugs who deserve to spend at least five years in prison. Don't stand outside a store and holler at customers--anyone who hears you will write you off as a crazy street preacher. Don't insult customers; you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Don't lose your sense of humor--people remember funny stuff. And most importantly, don't get caught--if the store owner chooses to press any kind of charges against you, the cops'll be on to your scheme, and you'll never be able to successfully monkeywrench again. Be prepared to drop the gag at a moment's notice, if necessary.

Now here's some stuff to do: If you have some artistic skill, make disturbing works of art out of recognizable products sold by the offending corporation: sculpt a baby out of meat from the non-unionized butcher area at Wal-Mart, then re-package it and sneak it into the meat case. Construct a diorama of the destruction of the rain forest using McDonald's food packaging and display it in the restaurant. Of course, these won't last long, so you may want to take photographs of your work and post them instead. Or you may want to enter your works in art shows.

Put together some colorful anti-corporation brochures or flyers (a quick web search should turn up several sites opposing corporations like Wal-Mart, McDonald's, the Gap, and Disney--snag something factual and eye-catching, then slap something together on your word processor). Then take the flyers and hide them around the store. This is fairly tough to do in a restaurant--they're too small, too quick to patrol, and too easy to clean--but it's a piece of cake in a big store like a Wal-Mart or in a large department store. Just take a bunch of your flyers into the store (hide 'em in your hat or your jacket), then tape them to products--if you tape one to the back of a cereal box, the inside of a saucepan, the back of an over-priced T-shirt, or on the front of one of the CDs in the back of the bin, the store employees probably won't notice what you've done until well after you've left the store. Make sure you spread your brochures around a wide area--more shoppers will be exposed to your propaganda that way. Best of all, when the store finally realizes what you've done, they'll have to check every piece of merchandise they sell to make sure your message doesn't accidentally get out.

Here's a quick one to pull in fast food restaurants. Go in during the busiest part of lunch hour, start to make your order, then point behind the counter and yell, "Oh my God, it's a RAT!" Then high-tail it for the door--others will follow you. If you aren't squeamish and have some talent for sleight of hand magic tricks, try this: catch and kill a cockroach (probably in your home, you filthy pig!), take it with you into a restaurant, order a burger, take a bite, gag, and spit on the floor, dropping the dead roach on the floor in front of the lunchtime rush (extra points for cutting the roach in half to make it look like you bit it in two). Do NOT accept your money back or any free food for compensation--that's called fraud and it means jail time. Just enjoy the spectacle of an entire restaurant turning green and bolting for the bathroom.

If you're lucky enough to get your grubby mitts on some stationery and envelopes with the corporate letterhead, you've reached the holy grail of monkeywrenching. Send some letters to students offering generous scholarships. Send random letters to people informing them that they are no longer welcome in the store. Send out Burger King coupons in McDonald's envelopes. Send public service announcements to radio stations promoting charitable events that don't actually exist (don't make it look like an advertisement--radio stations will call the store asking for payment first, but for charities and fundraisers, they'll usually read those on the air for free). Just make sure you type your letter and envelope, do NOT sign it, and mail it from a drop box in a high-traffic area, not from a post office or from your home mailbox--if the store wants to accuse you of mail fraud, that's a federal felony and 20 years in Leavenworth.