Tonight, driving home from a scholarship meeting, my mother started screaming at me. I had been expecting it all day-- she had been vibrating on the knife edge of barely contained hysteria since she picked me up at school-- but the suddenness of it startled me. I don't even know what I said wrong, or what she screamed back. I remember stopping at the stop sign right before the entrance to our cul-de-sac and praying for a quick exit from the vehicle, and I remember stopping the car on the driveway to wait for the garage door to lift, and I remember her suddenly hitting my arm, ten or eleven times, first with her open hand and then with her fist. She was screaming again. The car started to roll down the driveway and she told me to turn it off. I pulled it into the garage, and she screamed some more, and then I turned it off and got out as quickly as I could without losing dignity-- that's key, not to lose dignity, because if she sees any weakness in my emotional exoskeleton she'll go for it-- and entered the house. I had hoped to be out of the hallway before she came in so as to avoid being trapped. Unfortunately, I missed this opportunity and was cornered for the next hour while she screamed more. Every time she raised her hand, I cringed. I'm certain that I did something wrong, but I don't know what it was. She threatened to take away everything I hold dear, but I refused to cry-- I always refuse to cry in front of her, no matter the pain-- and then she said it.
"You're just like your father sometimes, the same stupid, selfish, hypocritical things. The thing there is that I love him enough to put up with him. You don't have that to fall back on."
She's my mother, for Christ's sake. If I can't count on her to love me, then who can I count on for love? If she doesn't love me, then what qualities can I possibly have for anyone to love, ever? This self-pity shall pass, but right now I feel like this bleeding mass of betrayal. I should have expected it, knowing her, but right now I can't imagine why anyone would love me if she couldn't...