I keep wanting to give you things. I want to give you something that you need more than anything. It must be something you do not know you need. I have ideas of making you drop everything and think things you have never thought of before; I want to show you how necessary you are. How big, how wide, how spreading you are. Every time I think of you I want to give you something that will make you say wow. Something that will make you happy forever. What should I give to you?
I choose to give you me, complete.
There was this one time when I was trying to put myself back together. I had holes of aching that needed to be stopped up. I was tired of being the only one here in my mind. Come on in, I thought.
The want ad read: If I told you my daily routine, would you make it your business to run into me accidentally? Would you be my stalker?
Anyway, sorry. Position has been filled.
I was sure I’d never sort this out, Dear. Trying to find my balance. Do we ever really forget the people we used to be? No. And I would not change them, ever. I have become this new whole person, unbroken. Take that girl and that girl and that girl (all of them myself) and fold them back together inside me. They all fit together like a jigsaw. I did it myself, before I found you. This is the part that wakes me up some mornings, laughing. I make so much sense I am oozing out around my edges.
SUGAR, ALL I EVER WANTED TO DO WAS EAT YOUR FACE GRINNING
You, the reader. Do you want an example of how it can be? Here:
In the roomful of strangers Joe and I are mingling separately. How lovely to be a singular planet in brilliant confident orbit. How lovely to be grounded like this. There are no tricks here. I am ready.
Of course Joe knows exactly what this is doing to the boys because he was once one of them. What I am doing is something about twinkling my eyes at boys and talking easily and it is already a private joke between the two of us. We do not call it flirting because it is just purely concentrated me. Later Joe will tease me madly for this and it makes me shine even harder, knowing he is trusting me from the other end of the room. His trust in me keeps socking me in the face. The boys (poor unfortunate) do not know it but I am only all glitter for him.
The first time I grabbed his hand, it was instantly clear that he would come to me with a single guarantee. Marry me and you’ll be safe. Anyway, I did not need it. I was strong. I was steady. I knew what I was doing.
Sometimes I am so lucky, I feel I could burst. If I never see you again, I wanted to leave you with this. Take my hand in yours. See how steady it is? Here you go. A gift.