If you're reading this, Amy, I'm very, very sorry.

I gave in to temptation tonight.

I miss my ex. You know how they say that getting over someone takes at a minimum half the length of your relationship, and that the heartbreak you feel gets better with time? Lemme tell ya something - the more time goes by where you don't feel any better, at all, the more you feel like you missed out on something truly unique and that, no matter whose fault the whole disintegration was, you feel like you blew it.

It's been...10 months. That's coming up on a third of what it was.

So tonight, I hacked into her email account. I'm not going to make up any stupid justifications for WHY - I'm out of her life and I don't want to be, so I was living vicariously through my computer. Mea Culpa.

It wasn't really 'hacking' in any real sense - I know the password and she hasn't changed it. I haven't looked since we broke up - I thought that was courtesy (and it was, to a degree) but in reality it was mostly out of fear of what I'd find.

And oh dear. What I found made me cry.

She's living with an old best friend of mine, a friend I introduced her to after we broke up. That sucks, but what sucks more is that...she loves him. A lot. He's a childish asshole with a drug problem that he sees her as the solution to...and she loves him. I don't understand it, but...there it is.

In my head, I had this vision. I envisioned her, at some point, realizing what she'd left behind and coming back here. That's what happens in the movies, right? I'm like Rob Gordon...except I don't get the girl back in the end and am working a job I've sunk my all into because I've...got...nothing...else.

- - -

There's this line from a movie I can't get out of my head and I can't quite place it. One guy laments his girl problems to the other, and the other says "Well, you know, it's better to have loved and lost..." and the first guy looks him straight in the eye and says "Oh yeah? TRY IT."

Ignorance truly is bliss, at least temporarily, and curling up in bed has never sounded quite so good.