I do nothing

Everyday I go to work at 10 PM CST, Monday through Friday. I wake up at noon Monday through Friday. What do I do between that time? Nothing. I should probably go to school or write more on E2, but lack of motivation slowly crept into my veins and now I'm just tired all the time. I spend my weekdays watching Montel and re-runs of the Simpsons.

I did sign up for a class at my local community college recently. It's a Spanish class and it's probably more advanced then I should take, but I thought it would make a good challenge.

This is where it gets exciting....sorta.

I am growing in my musical talent. It's mostly because of the quantity of time I've been playing. I played four shows this weekend, two each in the morning on Friday and Saturday and one each in the afternoon on Friday and Saturday, plus practices. Anybody who tells you that a Squier Fender sucks doesn't know how to use one.

I am man. Hear me belch.

As some of my fellow noders know I have a girlfriend. She was/is my first girlfriend...ever. I am still commited to her and my affection grows for her all the time. BUT she is extremely sensitive. I knew this before I even asked her out. She recently came to me crying and telling me that she didn't want to get hurt again. I asked her what's wrong. She said she didn't want to be ignored or be a burden. Now I don't know exactly what it is that I said or did to make her feel this way. I thought I was treating her right, but as I began to think about it more I realized that I had been avoiding her some. I found out the reason.

Here it is.

Ever since I first found out that I liked girls I have been using defensive measures to insure that I'm never used by any of them. (Yes, I AM that demented.) I go into my own little shell. I back away from intimacy and from letting my feelings be known when a girl shows affection for me. Now that I have a girlfriend I somehow forgot to turn the switch off on my defenses. Kari didn't realize this because I didn't even realize it. Now that I do I told her and she has a better understanding of why I have been backing away.

I am now working on my "issues" and showing my affection for her instead of backing away. My mind is daily filled with ideas of how to show her I care. I feel good.

A little story

Last weekend I spent Friday and Saturday at a christian retreat for single-parent families at a camp about 20 miles away from the city, in a forest. I was set to play worship Saturday morning and I had spent the night in one of the cabins with my brother (the drummer) and the sound guy (a snorer). I woke up to a cloudy, rainy morning. I decided to take a walk around the camp even though it was raining.

After walking awhile I sat down in a secluded area and just soaked in the naturality of everything. The sound of the raindrops falling seem to wash away all the sounds that had mucked up my head from the city. I looked out into the trees. I could make out the outlining of a deer. Not just any deer. It was a prestigious looking buck with antlers as tall as the trees. His neck held his head high and he strolled amongst the trees like he was king of the forest. I just stared at him for awhile. he would stop and look back at me. He actually got closer to me. He was about 10 feet away from me in the clearing, when I did the first is fartingwhich has foiled many magic moments in human history. I sneezed. The deer bolted off like lightning. I smiled and then laughed. I will always remember the tranquility of that moment.