You have been paroled from participation in the Capitalist Project
It seems that we made a terrible mistake
Clearly, these schedules
were never meant to apply to you.
Before you go, there are some questions of intellectual property
For starters, we have patented the process
you developed for bypassing the department code on the photocopier. That's brilliant.
We have also copyrighted
the way you slip out for lunch through the loading dock, so that nobody knows when you left.
A white paper
has been published on the corporate website, using a 40 page flowchart to describe the workflow strategy you employed to pass the buck between different departments. The ergonomics consultants we brought in from KPMG
noted that no work item was on your desk for longer than 15 minutes before you managed to "laterally transfer
" it elsewhere.
I wanted you to know that this process schema was so revolutionary
That it triggered at top-to-bottom audit of our entire enterprise practice
And we have discovered that in fact, out of the whole building,
Nobody, and we mean nobody, is doing anything
other than going to the Chinese buffet
As part of your exit interview process, we are taking your herman miller
workstation chair, and through the use of an industrial sprayguy, we are candy coating it like a gobstopper
, with the candy colors corresponding to the spectrum of visible light: Red Orange Yellow Green Blue Indigo Violet
This sugar coating will eventually impregnate the materials of the chair, replacing plastic
, in a process similar to fossilization
This sugar encrusted chair will be bolted to the concrete partition in the center of the freeway, where, exposed to the elements, it will eventually weather and dissolve.