Directions to Mike's

You are going to need a car and a computer. The computer can split the driving with you.

Start out by an ocean. If you can understand what people are saying and the sun rises over the ocean in the morning, then this is the place to start. Now get in the car and start driving away from the sun. Use the computer to help you.

At first, there are a number of canals and factories. Keep going. If you hit a large body of fresh water you have gone too far north and should try bearing to the left. Honestly, take my advice here, because if you drive into the lake, you're never going to get to Mike's.

You will cross a large river. The river is as clear as glass, at least where I crossed it. Deep down at the bottom are catfish, they glow from the lights of the office complexes developed inside them. DO NOT GET A JOB IN A CATFISH OFFICE OR YOU WILL NEVER GET TO MIKE'S!

In Iowa there are a series of buildings constructed from salvaged windshields, clustered around a smaller river. Cross the river. There are beautiful girls on swift boats sculling along the river. DO NOT GET ON THE GIRLBOATS OR YOU WILL NEVER GET TO MIKE'S!

The next part is very long. Mostly grass, snow, and sand, or some combination of all three. Your main problem there is going to be the hornets. The hornets out there are really a lot bigger than the ones I grew up with. Most are about forty feet long, and are attracted by both computers and the smell of burning plastic. DRIVE AS FAST AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN TO AVOID HORNETS.

Two more rivers and a slip-strike fault system. You'll pass an unusually large pile of salt. Keep going and don't take any right hand turns.

Mike's house is on the left, and believe me, it's haunted.