Unlimited Night Vision Minutes
Donny Carmichael, DIRTBIKE MAGAZINE
Right now, I’m with the CIA’s elite new Extreme Hi-Mobility Paramilitary Operations Branch, sponsored by Dirt Bike Magazine and Honda Motors of America. In charge of this group of bad-ass hands-on intelligence superstars in Northern Iraq is Lieutenant Mauricio De La Cruz, of the Churchside Frogtown Rascals and the CIA’s Central Asia Bureau. "Cruzer," as he’s known to his men, is leaning across the handlebars of a tricked out Honda CRF250X in no-BS desert camo. But if you think his 2004 motocrosser/offroad field tester model is hot, you should see the LT’s way-modded Bushmaster CAR-15 close quarters battle carbine with ACOG 4x reflex tactical sight, infrared target illuminator and xenon night spot. Spooky!
"I am totally fucking blown away with how extreme and intense Iraq is! We were all figuring it would be something like Riverside or Fresno, but this is like fucking shit up in the world’s biggest Pottery Barn!"
First Sergeant Wayne O’Dell, De La Cruz’s right hand man, jumps into the conversation. Wayne is downing a cold one in the shade of an adobe well.
"Pier One, Dude." says Wayne.
"Whatcha say, bro?"
"Pier One. That big fuckin bazaar thing you did the superman seat grab over top of, that’s way more like a Pier One. Rugs and shit. The chicas love it." Wayne is slouched up against a highly modified Honda XR650R with an awesome aftermarket jet kit, Titanium 4 exhaust system by FMF and a PowerBomb SX header. His Shoei VFX-R helmet sports an aftermarket set of ITT 4th generation thermal imaging goggles and a satellite phone with unlimited weekend minutes. Looks like Team USA might be the sweetest sponsor deal of all!
Riding with these two hard drinking, hard driving intelligence hoovers has been one of the most excellent experiences of this correspondent’s racing life. Who knew supporting democracy and our standard of living could be so much effing fun! Whether it’s gathering info on troop movements, or just creating awesome footage for the "greatest hits" tape, these extreme operatives put the "bad ass" back into "intelligence asset."
As the LT put it, "Pier One, Pottery Barn, whatever. These Kurds know how to hit the bong."
Our Fully Featured Battlespace is Just Politics By Other Means!
Sandy Fukuyama - National Sponsored Radio
SOUND: The bassy steady-state noise of an aircraft in flight. Controlled voices speak over the intercom in the background.
If it were not for the drone of the turbofan engines, you could easily believe you were inside a climate controlled office. That and the signage painted over the forward bulkhead that reads "OUR CHIEF EXPORT IS VIOLENCE." This is the combat control center onboard the latest generation of American air power, a high-endurance airborne gunship known to its crew as "Big Scary."
(from the flight deck):
I’ve got a hostile, infantryman moving on foot between those two office blocks.
The voice over the intercom is that of Airman Orlando Williams, USAF. He’s a Combat Systems Controller here on "Big Scary." A lanky, soft-spoken African American kid of 20, Williams joined the Air Force because he said they had the best computers.
I’ve always liked computers and video games and stuff, and my Uncle Isaac who was in the service said that if I like video games I should go into the air force, cause everything is air-conditioned like. And the air is really good here on the bird. I’ve got these nozzles here at my workstation.
From his computer workstation, Airman Williams controls an unprecedented array of sensors and intelligence processing systems. Using a trackball, he highlights the green glow of the running figure on his screen.
So all this data comes in real time, and I can pull it up here on the MFD, the multi-function display. This guy, the hostile, is male, about 34 years of age. He’s wearing standard issue, uh eastern bloc NBC gear. He’s got an AK with him.
SOUND of keyboard and instrumentation beeping.
Let’s see... he’s bought about thirty Coca-colas in the last year, smokes about a pack a day - Marlboros. Drives an old Renault sedan. His heart rate is way up. He’s got about 25% body fat, a bum left ankle, and yeah, looks like he’s got, you know, a malignant tumor in his left lung. The PET scan shows his memory centers are really bubbling - that's the regret. You know, he’s thinking back over his life. Get that a lot, kinda look for it, you know? Woah!
A laugh rings out from a nearby control station. Williams listens in to his headset. He’s clearly irritated.
Yeah, Dixon just blew the guy in half with some twenty mike-mike. Dixon! I’m trying to show the lady the system!
From onboard Big Scary, somewhere over enemy territory, this is Sandy Fukuyama for National Sponsored Radio.
Gang/Anti-Gang Combined Arms Offensive Turns Terrorism Into Lemonade
Jamie Lopez, Staff Writer- SOCAL!
When US troops hit the Gulf, they will be bringing a new peacekeeping force with them comprised of Los Angeles streetgang members and former anti-gang officers of the LAPD. The intent is to bring "instant community policing" to the streets of Baghdad.
Benito Gutierrez, of the Diez y Ocho supergang is grateful for the new job opportunity. "You know, I’m just trying to stick up for my country, you know. There’s some really good looting here, you know? And some loco house to house fighting, mas loco! If they try to gas me, I just laugh at that s___, man.
Officer Frank Brooks, formerly of Watts CRASH, had this to say, "Under martial law, we’ve got a lot more latitude from a policing perspective. But we’re used to having that kind of empowerment at the street-level. This is about getting back to basics - the indiscriminate use of force in an urban environment in pursuit of a vague cause."
Weapons of Mass Deliciousness
Walter Edelweiss, Field Correspondent - Eventstream News Network
A Marine Lieutenant is standing in front of a squat concrete structure in the desert. The background is flat and sandy. He is wearing a heavy chemical suit and has a gas mask slung around his neck. The Lieutenant is being interviewed by an off camera correspondent.
We’ve been finding these bunkers all over the place. We blow the doors open with satchel charges and then audit what we find inside.
What have you been finding?
Weapons of mass destruction.
Mostly blue. But we’ve also found some striped and fuzzy ones as well
Blue? Is that dangerous?
I don’t think the average American back home understands just how dangerous this shit is! Wait, can you take out "shit" and put in "stuff" in later?
Sure. How do you dispose of these blue weapons?
We roll in some willy-pete, white phosphorus incendiary grenades, and burn the shit up!
Burn it? Isn’t that dangerous?
Fuck no! Actually, the men love it. The smoke plume smells like baking cookies! You can take out that "Fuck No!" later, right?
Patriotism is the Last Refuge of America’s Most Sought After Demographic
Are UN Arms Inspectors Pussies?
Total Pussies 25%
Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary 15%
These guys are vaginas in blue helmets 25%
Are you worried about being attacked by WMD?
What are WMD? 17%
Are you going to attack me? 10%
I heard the Iraqi’s have a rocket bike that will go 300 mph 4%
Do you support the President’s Awesome War on Terror?
He Has My Total Support 38%
I Called Him Last Night To Tell Him I Love Him And Miss Him 27%
I Support This War So Hard I Paid Extra Taxes 25%
Air Force One Has Lasers That Will Fuck You Up Sideways 10%
Bomb Them Back To Orange County
Colin Oates - THE APOLOGIST
In a unique public/private venture between the Pentagon and the American residential housing market, the United States military is dealing with the problem of deurbanization head-on.
Deurbanization is one of the great unsolved puzzles of the diplomatic use of strategic bombing. With its destruction of huge areas of urban housing and its attendant infrastructure of roads, power and water supplies, bridges, markets, health care facilities, schools - the entire fabric of urban life - deurbanization is the mechanism for communicating to the enemy’s core demographics in a strategic bombing campaign. Unfortunately, the price tag and consumer resentment associated with "reurbanizing" areas serviced by bombing give pause to anyone considering launching such a campaign.
Energized with new management and the latest thinking from air power/urban planning consultancies, the US Department of Defense’s John Arbiter has a new approach:
"In the 21st century, the battlespace is dominated by destabilization and deception. Unconventional warfare is the new conventional warfare. If the ultimate warrior wins without fighting at all, then we have come to realize that the American lifestyle is the ultimate weapon of mass destruction. If the last Gulf war was fought to preserve our way of life, this one will be fought WITH our way of life."
The plan is an audacious one. Flight after flight of heavy bombers from the Strategic Air Command will pound target neighborhoods into rubble. This attack will immediately be followed up with some of the heaviest earthmoving equipment ever built, operated by elite workcrews assembled from CALTRANS, the California Department of Transportation. These bulldozers will be followed by paving crews, itinerant day laborers brought in by sealift from Home Depots across the US, and master planners from several of California’s largest and most successful planned communities. The result? The majority of Bagdad will be converted into the largest gated housing development in the world, in less time than the ground war in Gulf War One.
Designed by renowned Los Angeles architect Frank Gehry, the metallic, organic shapes of the prospective homes and shops suggest burned out tanks and the twisted steel skeletons of shattered office towers. "I wanted to work shapes familiar to the Iraqi people, something that speaks to the boundary space between a sense of home and precision-guided munitions."
And Now A Word From Our Sponsor
My Fellow Americans
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I see our people, the American people, and your people, O My Enemy, together with the top down, out for a drive in my awesome new Mustang. We’ve got our hands raised to heaven in praise of our common God, the God of Abraham, we’ve got the wind in our hair, Van Halen blasting on the stereo, just kicking ass down the highway to the beach down there by the Shatt Al-'Arab.
The keys to the future are in my outstretched hand. Let’s take that awesome drive to the beach of the future together. That’s freedom, America. That’s the convertible sports car we call the Future.
Tune in next time,
God Bless America.