I had a crush on started me thinking today.
I have had crushes on many people. Friends, girls I have seen around, classmates, co-workers. Wives. Bosses (boy, those are some dangerous fantasies, huh?). Any woman I come in contact with has a good chance to be the object of my affection.
The problem is that I am painfully shy. I would rather she ignore me than come a talk. I am funny, warm, and quick witted once I know you (I have been told many times...), but until then I am scared senseless of any form of contact.
A woman I work with is a hellish trap for me. She is so cute when she smiles at me. She is such a happy person, too, laughing at everything I say. Its hell.
When I am near her I sweat. I stutter. I avoid eye contact. My heart races when she looks at me, but I feel like running away so she doesn't see what a dork I am.
Nothing I say comes out right if she is listening. I find myself bragging just to impress her. She doesn't even understand what I do.
The effects are only somewhat abbated with my internet crushes. http:\\www.metagrrrl.com is one of my favorite sites. She is a geek girl, and that is almost all I know about her. Ophie is a serious problem. I know she is in a serious relationship (hell, so am I. I've got three kids.), but I found myself reading all of her nodes just toget to know her. And she has a lot of nodes.
My heart is pounding the whole time, like she could walk in and catch me reading her diary or something private. I would love to do a "everything get together" type event, but I wouldn't be able to talk if she was there. Or even any of the rest of you girl noders, for that matter.
My theory is that I get off on the fear and excitement a crush causes. Any attractive female can cause an almost 300mg of caffine effect on me. If she also has Brain, I am willing to die to be near her.
On crushes: I shouldn't get them. I am old and I am married and I can't afford a woman.
But I can't help it. And I like it.