It's October again. Time for trouble.
Every year, this month seems to be my worst, despite it being the month I was born. For five straight years now, I've had relationship trouble with the same girl. We've been together almost the whole time; it's been a hell of a trip for both of us. We got back together again (for good, I hope) in January of 2003, and we've been building the foundations of a future together since then. Majority of the problems have been based off of me going through life, making personal discoveries and learning about what I wanted. It's a shame I take so long to learn things sometimes, because the poor girl's heart and mind suffered at my will, and I do regret many of the things I've said and done to her.
However, for the most part, our relationship has been amazing, but to be honest, this has been the single most difficult, trying thing I have ever done in my life. College, jobs, decathalons...they're all infinitely easier, and more predictable. Relationships are like (insert metaphorical comparison here). That's what I feel like pretty much all the time.
For nine months, it has been progressing, although some parts were quite rough. Finding out she was with other guys when we were apart, catching her lying to me a lot more than she ever has, dealing with the fact that I love her so much that I start to smother her...it's not easy to troubleshoot something when you're a part of the problem. I'm learning so much about who she is, why she loves me, and why I adore this person so much.
She's changed in ways I couldn't have forseen. Our love is growing up finally, though we are definitely experiencing some growing pains, because for someone who doesn't cry much, she's made me shed a lot of tears. She's defensive now, secretive sometimes, and very wary. I guess I can't blame her; I mean I started the whole system of doubt in her mind and her heart. It's my fault, and I'm admitting it to the collective minds who live vicariously through daylogs.
I just want to make it through an October without a problem. If she would just put down those walls, and remember why I'm here, and why I have stayed long enough to go through with so much pain and suffering. If she could be open, honest, and forgiving, and realize that the pain is over, and that there is no more separation, just us, warm and in love and comfortable with it, finally.
I'm giving her every opportunity, and she says she's there completely, but I don't believe it just yet. When I feel the love I felt before I decided to be a fool, I will know that there is no more fear, no more worries, and we can finally move in a direction that we both want to go together: the future. She's all I really need, and for the first time in my life, I know and believe that she is all I'll ever want in life.
I'm a romantic at heart, so love comes forth from me like a hurricane: strong gusts, so strong they'll carry you away, until the eye of my stormy heart passes overhead, and you look up and see nothing but calm, pure beauty. The tempest outside rages on, but deep in the middle of me I keep her safe, on the ground with her chin up. Love is my life, and I love my life because of her.
I'm lucky to be able to write this. I'm lucky to have her to love, and to have her love given to me.