The day log isn't my bag, but I feel like shit and I like the noise my keyboard makes when I press its keys.
Here's a bit of background: I'm at Magdalen College, Oxford, doing French and German, and in the first year. Babs is in St Fucking Andrews doing Economics. He came to visit me for a week - and went home on Friday.
Something strange happens when we're apart, and this is what's making me feel like shit. We've just spent one of the most amazing weeks together. We lay in bed for 24 hours. We cooked eachother delicious meals. We went shopping and he helped me carry the bags. We basically did fuck all and I've never loved him more.
The first time we have a long conversation on the phone, there's an argument. I have no idea what it was about. The way I was eating my Kit Kat Chunky? The fact that I was miserable? The disagreement we had over the meaning of a painting called Natural Divisions? Either way, I upset him, and he won't tell me why. I cannot apologize because I don't know what I've done.
It could very easily have been me who went in a mard. It's a strain. I love him so very very much that it's impossible for me to be happy when I'm not with him. This means I'm in a miserable mood. Since he's the only person I ever talk to, he feels the brunt of my anger. I know this is unfair, but I just can't help it.
So today, I've been messaging him, pranking him, trying to phone him. All to no avail. He's ignoring me. I've pissed him off and there's nothing I can do about it. I hate myself. I'm absolutely not angry with him; I am absolutely furious with having to cope with a long-term long-distance relationship.
I'm not seeing him again till my term finishes on 8th December, and I dread us carrying on as we are until then.
Life's giving me lemons and I need to rant about it. Sorry.