For all of those people who read this I warn you that it is filled with boring facts and figures that only someone who was close to me or went through would find enjoyable to read. If all you want to get out of this is a tragedy story - start at paragraph four. (Monday....) I did this for me and I don’t care what reputation it gets.

Emily - The Ambulance - The Unanswered Questions?

No matter what facts, thoughts, or other feelings I have for Emily in this entry, I think I still care for her. I think I still feel for her too, but those feelings I am sure will stay confused for a while. It is December 21, 2004 with the time being 2:41pm at the start of this entry. In the past six weeks I met a girl that was better for me than any other girl before. I met her at a debate tournament, Wasatch. This bus ride home is where I got my beginning with her. We went to a play called Susical (Dr. Seuss play), a musical by the high school she attends, on the Saturday before I kissed her. In those weeks we grew close fast, within two weeks I kissed her on November 23rd. This same night she arrived home at 2am. This was the start of her lying I believe, or at least when I became part of it. She told her parents she wasn’t with me but what rather at a movie (they went to the theater and didn't see her car, the parking lot was deserted) - and within the same week I called and talked to her parents about it. It was a Friday night following the 23rd when I punched my little brother Ben in the face, nearly breaking his nose. I was emotional at that point and badly wanted to speak with Emily. I was denied this opportunity and didn’t speak with her till the following Sunday.

Emily hid many things about herself. Things she didn’t want me to know about. She told me she had "Never felt this way about a person before” referring to me as her boyfriend. She claimed she hadn't had no other boyfriends before save Eric, who I learned to be a pathetic uncontrolled attachment to Emily. The situation with Andrew, (where she was probably together with him) was horrid on her. Andrew claimed to be in relationship with her though she told me she did not feel the same way even though everyone thought they were together because of Andrew’s running mouth. She lost many friends at her school because of this. They officially went their own ways only but a week ago! I searched for who she was and meddled a little too much. I spoke with Matt - Andrew’s “best friend” and he told Andrew about me. I think Emily was going to hide me from her friends, even keeping allowing Andrew as another boyfriend till she had to break it. I don’t know, I also don’t care. My mom told me, "You can’t love someone you can’t trust or respect." I want to trust and respect Emily - I feel like I can but I don’t know if I can. I want to go to Emily and make everything okay. This experience I had with her was hard though, I still think good things can turn out.

I got into her emails and read her whole inbox up-to-date about a week and a half ago. I logged as a curious and an overprotective boyfriend, important facts and quotes that I thought brought out some of Emily’s secrets. I thought she had originally gave me her password purposely but then supposed that that justification was ludicrous. I violated her. I told her last Sunday the 19th during our evening phone call conversation these things. I apologized for something I felt ashamed of. I think she forgave me. I don’t think the events of last night had anything to do with my snooping.

Monday before she had to go to work at 3:30 we met up at Target in Centerville. We talked for a while finally going up to a park north of there. She wanted to get out of work to see me and that was very against my desires - but she talked me into it. How could I not want to see the girl I loved? She called in at 3:00pm and we then went up to my house. We kissed and I "Turned her on more than that she has ever been turned on before.” I do believe that too. I had a chess lesson at 4:45 that she tagged along for. Probably not the best decision I made last night but by far not the worst. An hour later we went back to my house. My mom was leaving for the Hermanson get together when we returned. Two of my mom's aunts and uncles passed away this last weekend and more family was in town that was originally planned for. Emily and I decided to take my car, a blue 1993 eclipse, to drive to West Jordan (her car was at the Target parking lot) and we left running late. I had to go back up the hill to get Mike and Jenny their pictures from the Christmas dance at my school. This delayed us another twenty minutes. Finally we left at 6:25 on the freeway and arrived just about 6:45 for the call time for the entertainment which I was apart of the Madrigals. The Madrigals were a group of 30 singers, the best and top of our school, which I played Base II in. The party was at the Golden Corral. I was stressed at this point already, having not eaten dinner and also with time pressure and family issues. I attempted warming up with the Madrigals a bit - didn’t help much. Emily went to the restroom for a while, I suppose she had made herself sick too over stress. We Madrigals sang for my family and that was probably one of the best sounding performances we ever had. We had to cram into a small part of the building in an L shape (normally we are double rows). We left the performance and dinner after we ate a little bit. We arrived at my house at 8:30 pm.

At my house between 8:30pm and 9:10 we had the longest makeout session of my life. It was a never ending forty minute kiss. Through this passionate kissing, which occurred in my room, things started progressing. I had never felt like that before. It was a good and bad feeling. The Spirit left me, but I felt so belonging in her arms. Though smoothly this began, it ended abruptly. She asked, “What are we doing?” We stopped and just sat there for a couple of minutes. By 9:20pm she stood with her hand to her chin and eyes closed as if she was praying - I speculate she was not. I got her to sit down because she was wobbling about. The talking was very little. I needed to hear from her, she wouldn’t talk. 9:35pm my mother got home and by 9:40 I got her into my car and we were on the way to get her home. Down the hill she started having convulsions. She looked in extreme pain, looked like she was going into shock, and going in and out of consciousness. I stopped the car many times to try to get her to talk to me - to get her out of that passive state. I opened her eyes and made light go into them, they did dilate. Her breathing was very shallow and her heart rate was racing. She had vitals. When I got her to Target where her car was I parked next to it and just tried to think about what to do. I prayed to God out loud and asked but received no answer for the first time in my life. I was crying beyond and sobs I had ever had in my whole life. She came to for a bit and wiped away my tears looking at me kind of. She must have been in a lot of emotional pain, probably the climax of her pain being right there. She told me to take her to the park. I ignored this for a while. This was the last thing I remember her saying till she left in the ambulance.

I decided between a couple of scenarios I could have chosen. First I could have driven her home in my car, or secondly I could have driven her home in her car. In either case her mom would find out she didn’t go to work. I was worried about her health more though. She asked to go to the park where we were earlier in the day and I finally obliged. I drove towards the park because I was so emotionally distraught and not knowing what to do being told what to do was something. It felt right. Driving towards the park I almost passed Becky’s street, but I turned onto it. At her home I brought her in where she became unresponsive for the rest of the night and even today this morning to her mother. Talking it over with Becky and her mom and the nurse they called suggested to me 911. I did not think that best but we did. After that police officers arrived and paramedics with an ambulance. They all asked the stupid same questions over and over as new people arrived. Alcohol, drugs, sexual intercourse, any of these things was she or you involved in? No I replied to all of them, and I had been with her since 3pm. I told them what I had seen concerning Emily. The paramedics took her heart rate and messed with her breathing, hands, and other “tests” they did administer. I understood when they looked at each other and in their paramedic lingo that they thought she was faking it! They put her in the ambulance any way, and took her to the hospital. The officer who was investigating everything was the last to leave and spoke to me personally. He didn’t write anything down though. He asked me the same stupid questions again, but then got more personal with me about what happened with me and her that evening. I told the officer about the makeout and any other details that I thought necessary. He told me that he was going to arrest her for faking it. A misdemeanor, but she was 17, and her record would be swiped clean at age 18 and only the courts would be allowed access to that information. I am sure my being involved will not affect me negatively other than the emotional stress. I also don’t think she was faking it - why the heck would she scare the crap out of me like that?

If she did fake it - I don’t know why she did what she did it for. I wish I knew, I wish I knew how to help her. I don’t. The officer advised me to let Emily and her parents contact me first and not the other way around. 9:10am today her mom called my second line. I spoke with her, told her about having Emily’s keys and she desired to come pick them up. She did and I had my dad come out with me when she arrived. We spoke briefly but planned on having both of our parents speak more. Emily’s mom told me it wasn’t my fault and that she knew Emily had been lying to even me too. I told Emily about this conversation among other things later in the day. I felt relieved and at the same time heart broken. I want to call her now, but I know I can’t. I want to see her and comfort her and make things right, but I don’t think that will help.

Addition added at 5pm: I spoke with Becky’s mom and she said that she didn’t think Emily would fake it. I agree with that. I don’t see why she would ever fake it to get attention. Also Emily spoke to me and claimed she had a “pseudo seizure” and also a cist burst. She remembers very little of last night. She told me on the phone she remembered wiping away my tears. She has my sweatshirt and told me it smelled like me. I miss her and don’t know what to think. I’m scared.

Addition added at 9pm: I spoke with her cousin Rachael who told me that her parents were there when Emily’s mother arrived just before the ambulance left Becky’s house. She also told me briefly about what happened at the hospital, saying that the doctor examined her for three hours. She said she heard from her parents that he claimed she was faking it and that she was awake during all that time. I do take into consideration that all of this was double hearsay. Emily told me she felt the doctor almost breaking her thumb. Rachael’s mom drove Emily’s mom to pick up the keys - that did check out among other things she told me. The cops also spoke to Rachael’s parents saying the same “faking” concept.

I would like to thank SlackinWhileSleepin for his encouragement of this post. I don’t know what this story will do for my life. I have never been more scared, never been so humiliated, and never has my prideful egotistical personality been bashed - beaten - and destroyed. I may be meeting with my parents and her and her parents either tomorrow or the next day. I may post a follow up though for sure I’ll write in my own diary about it. The feeling of helplessness is not the favorite feeling of the masses, this I am sure of. As for anything else who knows, but I did learn anxiety can’t kill you if you don’t let it.