The New Beverage
For A New New York
Those who aren’t blessed with the privilege of seeing New York City subway commuter ads will no doubt be wondering about this enigmatic product. One word, no Pepsi or RC in sight and it’s clear! Like Crystal Pepsi! Could this in fact be two great tastes that taste great together? At last, appearing as one, ready to be tasted again, for the first time? My dermis was notably intrigued.
Like its website so blithely states, this is clearly a whole new way of looking at cola. Clearly!
What the fuck am I talking about? It’s so hard to say. The advert gracing subway cars on various lines merely features an up close and personal upper-body shot of a woman whose wide smiling mouth is full of blazingly white teeth taller than skyscrapers. She has what might be called a healthy glow but her face is wonderfully wrinkle free. And flanking her glowing visage is the product’s tagline. It’s new! And New York is new, too!
I don’t know about you, but upon reading that, I was ready to go ransack my local soda shoppe. A product that’s new to the third power? Zowee! Who cares what it is, just hook a girl up with. . .uh. . .
What the fuck am I talking about?!
According to Adam and Jason (the company founders, who, by the way, have always wanted the people around them to feel good, ain’t that sweet), SkinCola is an all-natural, super-oxygenated drink that beautifies from within. After all, they say, true loveliness begins from within and then oozes outward. Shouldn’t beauty products reflect that? Remember, beauty comes from inside, but it’s only skin deep and your skin needs oxygen coming to it via the almighty GI tract.
But that’s not all! SkinCola will also do what all of those uppers and downers have consistently failed to do. It will enhance your mind, body and spirit! You will be faster than a speeding bullet and your skin will be stronger than a locomotive! You will have the confidence that usually only comes from five or more beers!
Aren’t all of those benefits worth more than four dollars per glass bottle of flavorless, non-carbonated, calorie-free liquid? (before anyone answers, Adam reminds us that there is a secret scientific reason that SkinCola is bottled in glass and not some flimsy plastic).
Before we let Dr. Science have her say, let’s have a looksee at the good for us, organic and yummydelicious components that make SkinCola ever so good. It contains a hearty dose of purified dihydrogen monoxide with a heaping helping of activated oxygen. See, they didn’t just leave it turned off. No way! Adam and Jason really do care about feeling good. And in case that wasn’t enough, SkinCola also contains trace amounts of chloride, sodium, chromium iodine, carbon, calcium, copper, lithium, iron, magnesium, potassium, phosphorus, selenium, sulfur, silicon, cobalt, and zinc. Hot damn!
Now, I know that by now you wouldn’t care less if Jesus himself came and laid the smackdown on the SkinCola concept, but science is a desperate woman and wants to speak its piece. Here is what she had to say:
Fool us once, shame on us. Anyone who is curious enough about the content of their drinking water will know that elements such as zinc, sodium, chloride and carbon will be present in most ordinary water from any water source on the planet.
The FDA has kept its mouth shut on the subject of SkinCola, probably because it doesn’t contain any food or drugs. What that means to beauty pageant hopefuls and hausfraus alike is that there is no guarantee that SkinCola isn’t bottled straight from a swine trough in Okanookee, Kentucky, or, more likely Adam and Jason’s Chelsea apartment tap.
Lack of oxygen, or as Dr. Science calls it, hypoxia, can cause shortness of breath (shocking), sore joints and muscles, and a lack of energy. So a little double-O pick-me-up in your workout water should be peachy, right? If you breathe with your stomach and intestines, sure! Unfortunately, most people take in oxygen only through the lungs, and to make matters worse for poor Adam and Jason, a 2001 study by the American Council on Exercise found that oxygenated water did not boost output, or change blood pressure or the heart rate. Of course, they weren’t quantifying the skin beautifying effects. . .
Oh no! It would appear that bitch science has once again disproved the validity of a product that promised to make all of new New York look like a sixteen-year-old Gwyneth Paltrow. What’s left? Quitting smoking, eating right and exercising? I sure as hell hope not. SkinCola still has two products: the SkinCola Skin Shot and the SkinCola facial bar in almond or citrus. Anything? Well, if you breathe through your rigid outer shell, like an ant, you’ll have no problems getting beautiful clear skin beginning from within.
And for the rest of us? Thirsty? Tired? Depressed? Dr. Science says, “Hit the tap, sucka, and save your money for a pack of squares.”