Chiisuta brings you a little somethin’ for the ladies!
Misery Mountain. A favorite play-place, where all the south shore Long Island kids with cars and a taste for booze and cheap sex ended up sooner or later. A veritable museum of empty bottles and old, crusty condoms, there was no better place to get that special someone tanked enough to give in and give you a half-hearted hand job underneath the stars. It was considered by many of my high school’s top brass and the intellectually elite alike to be A-plus #1 make-out heaven.
Fuck that. I remember the November night I dropped a cigarette onto the floor of Ellen Lazarus' parents' Honda Accord on the way to Misery Mountain. It was the night that slut Laura Haworth tongued this punk called Snatch and then everyone followed suit, pairing off and leaving only myself and a lad named Buddha sitting on a lonely log. Over the course of my consuming two forty ounce bottles of Colt 45 (which works every time), Buddha brought up kissing me over and over again while we watched contorted mounds of teenage undulation off in the distance. Lucky for him, he wisely opted to quell his disgusting urges.
Which brings me to my point. I had to motherfucking PEE! Eighty ounces of pissbeer were sloshing around in my bladder, threatening to spill over. I would have bet good money that I was going to piss in my pants in the woods on a Saturday night while Greasy McJigglyfats tried to put the moves on me. As in the only time I've been closer to making an unauthorized pit stop in my trou were those times I actually did. So, giving the old brush off to my determined companion, I clutched my holy triangle and staggered to my feet. Then I circumnavigated the kissing kiddies, dancing like there was an ASS in my PANTS, to find me a tree.
Oh, I fucking peed alright, and how, letting loose a mighty torrent which hissed and steamed on the icy dirt. But although my stream was strong and I didn't wet my pants, those pants nevertheless could not have been called wholly dry. Had I only known then that which I know now. What I needed was not some sissy urination accoutrement with a cutesy name like Wee-Wee Mate. The thing that would have saved me from my dribbley pants fate was the MAD STANDING PEEING SKILLZ.
So you want to pee standing up, with pants pushed down only to mid-thigh with no chance of careless splash back? There is hope! You, too, can learn to make water like you watched your daddy do. But I can hear you fucking whiners right now. But Chii, why do I have to learn? Men never had to learn! WRONG! Men had to learn to HOLD THEIR DICKS. You ever seen what happens when a guy lets loose without holding on? Firehose! Then again I've known guys who’ve been holding their dicks for thirty years who still can’t piss a straight line. And ladies, it goes the same for you. All it takes is some CREATIVE PUDENDA PRESSING. Say it with me now. Good, I knew you could!
Now when you see how goddamned simple it is you'll realize why I needed an introduction the size of the freaking Bible. I'm going to take you through it, step by step, but first, heed this warning: Out of respect for thine elders, lovers, bosses and churchmen, practice in yon shower. For a goodly long time you will be feeling the hot tickle of piss running down your legs and I will be laughing at you because this is not a beginners luck kind of game. So, unless you're really into that sort of thing (and in that case, why bother practicing), keep it in the tub for a while. This isn’t hard to learn but it ain’t no pleasure cruise.
SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TEACH ME HOW TO PEE STANDING UP RIGHT NOW YOU WORDY MOTHERFUCKER!
Step 1: Pull down your pants and panties!
Step 2: Bend at the knee! Not a lot, just a little!
Step 3.5: At this point you need to be like the scientist and experiment. Each body will be different – some ladies need to stand with feet shoulder width apart, some with feet together and some with a little somethin’ in between. OK!
Step 4: VICTORY! WE WON WW II! Make a victory sign (or a peace sign for you dirty hippies out there, who I bet can already pee standing anyway) and spread thy holy gates of heaven whilst also pulling up gently. Some women may want to only pull up. This another part that depends on YOU not ME because I am not coming over to do it for you.
Step 5: Give a little hip thrust and hold it (that’s it, you are one sexy bitch!).
Step 6: Piss. Piss hard and aim true. This should not be a problem as m_turner has informed me that chicks’ urethras, that’s yer pee tube, are wider and just generally kick more ass than guys’ puny urethras. You may need to learn to give a big old push near the beginning and end so as not to splatter urine on your silky underthings.
Step 7: Wipe, if necessary and wash you hands, you dirty girl!
That’s it. This is fucking pissing, not rocket science. Go forth and pee in the woods with ease and then teach your daughters. When they are teenagers, drunk and trying to avoid some slobbering behemoth of a man, they will thank you for it.
The really super serious FAQ
Chii, my mighty torrent is not so mighty! And it’s inaccurate! What can I do?
Practice makes perfect! You may need to strengthen the old Kegel muscles (your boyfriend will thank you for it and you will like it, too). During the day, in the course of normal sit-down urination, start and shut off the flow of urine numerous times during one pee. This will boost your powers of flow control. Try to maintain FULL POWER PRESSURE until the end of your urination. This will help strengthen the stream.
Why the fuck should I learn to pee standing when I am so good at sitting down??????
Because people at parties will think you are the raddest women there and from that point on, mad hot guys will want to make it with you. Did I mention, you will look cool standing in front of a urinal? Enough said!