Posting a letter as a third and finally medium hoping to be read and hoping even more so for some kind of response, even one simply stating it's been read.
If giving (or attempting to give) you the comic was inappropriate, I apologize. I was only hoping to have something as an icebreaker
because more than anything else, I just wanted to talk to you. As that didn't happen, I left it with Ben.
Recently I'd heard things which would make me believe
that you weren't ok and as such I was concern
ed. Your friend (I think her name is Lauren, but I don't rightly remember) from Plano happens to go to school with me and we ran into each other a week or two ago. We talked for a good hour or so and I gained a little bit of insight
as to how you "work" if you know what I mean (which you probably don't, after all, I never was a great orator). She confirm
ed what some people had told me earlier - that you'd had troubles at the end of the semester and that your parents basically weren't letting you come home (she also told me you no longer cared about money and just wanted to do what made you happy, which I was quite glad to hear). She also told me that what you said to me the day we returned to TAMS
in January was truthful and I'm sorry I ever doubt
ed you. I would hope that you can understand
why I doubted what you said - coming from any other teenage female
I've known I had to wonder, but I should have realized that you aren't an average teenage girl. Know also that anything she told me she only said because she care
s about you and knows that I had nothing but good will
for you and wanted to help.
So, yes, I was worried
about you and yes I also came because I was hoping
there was still a chance we might get back together. I'll be honest
- I miss you
, it drives me nuts every day wondering how I fucked things up and what would have happened had I ever said everything
I felt. With my luck nothing would have changed, but I can't help but wish
I'd told you I loved you
. I'm not saying this to try and scare you or to try and change anything because quite frankly I don't think it'll do any damn good. I love you
, god knows I wish I didn't because things would be so much easier, but I do - and I can't help that, hell, I'd probably have married you if you wanted me to. So it's understandable that I want you to be happy
- even if that means without me. There hasn't been a day yet where I haven't wanted to run to you, hold you in my arms, and tell you everything would be allright, which of course I couldn't do because I didn't think you wanted anything to do with me - which seems to be accurate.
Realize, and I'm not trying to make you feel guilty
here - so don't, you were the only person that's ever made me truly happy
. I miss the girl who was willing to literally fight to be with me. For five months I was able to say in full confidence that I was completely and perfectly happy. If nothing else, I can look back on that and smile. Everything about you made me smile
. The way you said hello
, the days you'd wear glitter
y shirts to get back at me for some mild annoyance the day before (yeah, I knew), your gorgeous eyes
, perfect smile
, soft and oh-so-kissable lips
, and incredible intelligence
that I found overwhelmingly sexy
. And I don't give a shit what some dumb IQ test says, you are a genius
- you're bloody amazing
. I've never met a woman that was as intelligent as you and I don't think I ever will. 1590 be damned, SO WHAT!? I don't care what any test or score or other person will ever say and the college board can kiss my ass - you are brilliant
. You don't have to be the best at everything you do to get noticed - I don't see how you couldn't get into any school of your choice right the hell NOW if you wanted to. Also, whether you think it or not, you do have a beautiful
voice and sing
quite well. I'm sorry I had to miss the debut of Barefoot in the AAAAAAAAARGH! (I mean Park). And I feel sick
when I think that refused to give you your class ring - I was afriad of embarassing you. I was afraid that I'd get up there and say something stupid
, or romantic
or otherwise inappropriate in front of your family, friends, and peers. In retrospect none of that matters
and I wish I could take it back and do it over again, but I can't.
So, I guess if you want me to leave you alone for the rest of your life I will, but I can't stop caring about you. Don't kill yourself over your GPA, don't give a shit what anyone else thinks, and do what makes you happy. I will never EVER again tell you to shut up - even jokingly as it was, speak freely goddess
, but allow me to look upon you in fervent (I hope that word means what I think it does...) awe
at your undying beauty
and unbridled intelligence and simply gaze upon whatever God's may or may not exist perfect
creation. And this time, I mean it.
There's so much more that I want to say, but I can never remember all of it in one sitting, and if I wrote it all there'd be a novel when I finish. Fortunately I think all of it can be summed up with I love you, do what makes you happy, and have a wonderful life - with or without me.